Marion is Sitting On My Desk

Sometimes I have the strangest job.

A woman shows up at my door saying that she can't find anyone else in the building and then hands me a little vase, "Here is Marion, she is being interred later this week."

EEEEEK!

Really?!?!? Hey mortician/cremator lady, don't you think you ought to warn someone before you hand them a little jar of dead?!?! I certainly do! Marion almost became part of the carpet.

Marion is sitting on my desk. I've barely been ably to take my eyes off the jar. I'm officially gigantically creeped out.

Her Morning Elegance

This is a great little stop motion film.

Intensive Purposes

I'm talking with someone the other day (being intentionally vague) and she is talking and talking and talking and talking and talking. It's a ramblefest about some TV show that I have never seen, will never see and have NO desire to see....it's on the Family Channel, so even if I had cable I'm fairly certain that TFC is not on my regular viewing short list.

She is talking about Dan who is blah blah with Rachel, who is blah blah, and then there is Randy who likes blah blah but grew up blah blah...and on and on and on. Let me remind you these aren't real people...it's a TV show. I have NO idea why she is telling me this cause I told her I haven't a clue who these people are but she just keeps talking.

At about minute 12 I click off, like really clicked off. I was watching her mouth move and pretending to listen but had completely stopped hearing what she was saying. This goes on for at least another 7 minutes and then my subconsious hears this "...blah, blah, blah, for all intensive purposes, blah, blah, blah..." WAIT WHAT?!?!

Oh thank you the part of my brain that can pay some sort of attention. Since then she has used "for all intensive purposes" a number of times. Should I tell her it is "intents and purposes?" I rather enjoy hearing the mistake, makes me giggle inside and I think I might like whatever an intensive purpose is...sounds cool.

How I love intensive purposes...I might make that my blog name.

Africa

I'll be heading to Africa again this July to work with people with HIV/AIDS and to build a library. (So real soon I'll begin begging for money and if you want to make a tax deductible donation contact me.) Last time we built a school for children with disabilities...their motto "Disability is not Inability."

Part of the group met last Sunday and I've begun to transition the travel blog (www.boardingpasses.org) to look more "African." In doing so I reread some of the posts and thought I would share one here. I can't wait to go back!

This Little Piggy
Jun 19, 2007, post by Larry
The other day we were asked what we might want to eat. A list was created. On the list was pork. I like a piece a bacon now and then so part of me was a little excited for something different.

For dinner that night we had the pork. The room we eat in is lit only by a single flouresent bulb so most everything is cast in a hard shadow. I looked into the tub of pork and thought, “Well, I’ve got to try everything.” It was dark so I was trying really hard to find the best piece (I had had a run in with a scary chicken leg a couple nights earlier.) After a brief search I found a couple of pieces that looked pretty good.

I started eating our regular fare of rice, cabbage, potatoes, and things were going well. Then I decided to try the pork. I picked up the piece of meat examined it and took a bite. I can’t really remember the taste, I think it was charcoal. A little like what I imagine chewing a burnt rubber band would taste like.

Munch.

Munch.

Munch.

I swallowed that piece and then John says, “Well look at that, I think you have the ear.” Gulp. I looked at the remaining piece of meat on my plate with horror. Not only was it truly the ear, but it was covered in stringy hair. Never have I had a serious gag reflex from eating something until now. Needless to say that experience ruined my appetite and I have yet to venture into the meat bowl again…I’m a bit traumatized.

Bus Money

As if I needed another reason why my husband is the best...

I'm taking the bus to happy hour later today. I hate driving and I really hate driving if I've had anything to drink. It's my first time taking "the bus" and I've heard that the bus I am going to catch is crazy. Katina said in an email, "You'll be fine, just say yes to crack."

Last night Chris gave me $2 for my bus ride and found the route I need to take (he is a seasoned pro.)

On my walk to work this morning I get this text message, "Did you remember your bus money?"

For some reason that little text made my whole day. It was sweet, caring and it feels good to have someone watching out for me.

Who You Gonna Call?

This is a fun waste of time. You can watch web cams from haunted places in hopes of catching a glimpse of something paranormal. That would be awesome. I love all that scary, haunted, alien, halloweeny, make me jump kind of stuff. In fact no less than three times a week I jump out at Chris from behind a door or from under the bed or from inside the closet. He doesn't think it's funny, I do. I usually get a big scream and as I'm doubled over with laughter he slaps me...its totally worth getting smacked.

If you can't find me this afternoon, I'll be looking for ghosts.

A New Day

Yesterday afternoon I spoke with one of my volunteers about the inaugaration of Barack. She is a sweet little 86 year old African American grandma. She brings me fudge at Christmas, cookies on my birthday and she gave me a cleaning bucket when I bought my house. I love her.

"I feel like something in here," she says pointing at her chest, "has healed. For the first time in my whole life I feel like this is my country."

I also spoke to one of the maintenance/custodial guys and asked him what he thought. He said, "We were told growing up that we could be anything we want, except president. That is no longer true."

This makes me smile.

Some good things...

Since I've been ragging on Obama for the choice of Rick Warren, I thought I would share some good news. Almost immediately after he was sworn in as president whitehouse.gov was updated with the following. Sorry this is so long I am still trying to figure out the "more" link thing.

Expand Hate Crimes Statutes: In 2004, crimes against LGBT Americans constituted the third-highest category of hate crime reported and made up more than 15 percent of such crimes. President Obama cosponsored legislation that would expand federal jurisdiction to include violent hate crimes perpetrated because of race, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, or physical disability. As a state senator, President Obama passed tough legislation that made hate crimes and conspiracy to commit them against the law. Fight

Workplace Discrimination: President Obama supports the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, and believes that our anti-discrimination employment laws should be expanded to include sexual orientation and gender identity. While an increasing number of employers have extended benefits to their employees’ domestic partners, discrimination based on sexual orientation in the workplace occurs with no federal legal remedy. The President also sponsored legislation in the Illinois State Senate that would ban employment discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

Support Full Civil Unions and Federal Rights for LGBT Couples: President Obama supports full civil unions that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples. Obama also believes we need to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and enact legislation that would ensure that the 1,100+ federal legal rights and benefits currently provided on the basis of marital status are extended to same-sex couples in civil unions and other legally-recognized unions. These rights and benefits include the right to assist a loved one in times of emergency, the right to equal health insurance and other employment benefits, and property rights.

Oppose a Constitutional Ban on Same-Sex Marriage: President Obama voted against the Federal Marriage Amendment in 2006 which would have defined marriage as between a man and a woman and prevented judicial extension of marriage-like rights to same-sex or other unmarried couples.

Repeal Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell: President Obama agrees with former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff John Shalikashvili and other military experts that we need to repeal the "don’t ask, don’t tell" policy. The key test for military service should be patriotism, a sense of duty, and a willingness to serve. Discrimination should be prohibited. The U.S. government has spent millions of dollars replacing troops kicked out of the military because of their sexual orientation. Additionally, more than 300 language experts have been fired under this policy, including more than 50 who are fluent in Arabic. The President will work with military leaders to repeal the current policy and ensure it helps accomplish our national defense goals.

Expand Adoption Rights: President Obama believes that we must ensure adoption rights for all couples and individuals, regardless of their sexual orientation. He thinks that a child will benefit from a healthy and loving home, whether the parents are gay or not.

Promote AIDS Prevention: In the first year of his presidency, President Obama will develop and begin to implement a comprehensive national HIV/AIDS strategy that includes all federal agencies. The strategy will be designed to reduce HIV infections, increase access to care and reduce HIV-related health disparities. The President will support common sense approaches including age-appropriate sex education that includes information about contraception, combating infection within our prison population through education and contraception, and distributing contraceptives through our public health system. The President also supports lifting the federal ban on needle exchange, which could dramatically reduce rates of infection among drug users. President Obama has also been willing to confront the stigma -- too often tied to homophobia -- that continues to surround HIV/AIDS.

Empower Women to Prevent HIV/AIDS: In the United States, the percentage of women diagnosed with AIDS has quadrupled over the last 20 years. Today, women account for more than one quarter of all new HIV/AIDS diagnoses. President Obama introduced the Microbicide Development Act, which will accelerate the development of products that empower women in the battle against AIDS. Microbicides are a class of products currently under development that women apply topically to prevent transmission of HIV and other infections.

Hello Mr. President!

Today I can say that I am proud to be an American. I am excited to see what's in store the next 4 years.

Star Wars

Retold by someone who hasn’t seen it but has only seen snippets.

Take a break...

This game makes me a little hungry...especially the nacho stage.
Burger Island

Getting Old

I turn 35 this year and for some reason I have been a little obsessed with how fast time seems to be passing. These first 35 years have flown by and I think that if the next 35 come and go as fast, I will be 70 years old before I know it. It makes me a little anxious. I don't feel 35, I don't act like 35, I'm not mature enough to be 35, how can I be 35. 35 is only 5 years from 40 for crying out loud and I'm certainly not mature enough to be 40. In 20+ years will I have enough to retire, what happens if I don't, where will I be working, living and on and on, my mind won't stop. It makes for a pretty interesting walk to work. I'm feeling (and this isn't breaking news) like for the first time I really understand how short our lives are. This whole train of thought ends up being rather trite, "Enjoy every minute," blah blah. The thing is I think that I have up until now been very aware of every minute and how fleeting our time is so I'm not sure where this age anxiety is coming from. Is this some sort of early mid life crisis?

Uncovered Variety

_ Maybe the iBreath is something we should invest in? (And it looks like a fun party gadget.) If not then this could work too.

_ Martians!

_ Giraffes have all-male orgies. So do bottlenose dolphins, killer whales, gray whales, and West Indian manatees. Japanese macaques, on the other hand, are ardent lesbians...whoa what? Giraffe orgies?!? How does that even happen? Evolution and homosexuality, maybe Darwin was wrong.

_ An 11 year old terrorist? Really? Yet another example of why Gitmo must close and how our government has abused its power.

_ Our world may be a giant hologram. This hurt my brain after reading.

_ My dowry would be bigger than 100 cases of Corona, 50 cases of Modelo, 100 cases of soda and two cases of wine, topped off with six cases of beef.

_ Iranian Cleric sex tape! Ew. Where is the eye clorox when I need it?

_ Eyecandy. (A little NSFWish)

I was just bent over tying my shoe...

I think this is on a show, The Principal's Office on TruTV. I don't get it with our rabbit ears but saw this clip and I love these boys and their smart-assery.

Circus

These guys are SO good. I spent a good hour going through all their videos on YouTube. They need to be on Shooby Dooby (and could have saved the crapfest that is Superstars of Dance!)

I think Kate might love this.

We did it...finally!

Nice huh? Only took 72 hours to install.

Man-bitch Ho-bag

The View irritates me 99.997% of the time because Sherri is usually an idiot and Elizabeth is a religious bigot. This, however, makes me smile wide because as much as I can't stand The View, I genuinely hate that man-bitch ho bag Ann Coulter. At one point I thought Sherri was gonna beat her ass for picking on her grandma, er I mean Barbara.

Take a break...

OMG this game is fun (and funny!) On my first try I got chopped up AND burned.

Death Trap Mansion House

The Right Kind of Religion

I do love one of Oprah's spiritual people, Rev. Ed Bacon, rector of All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena, California. He says, "Being gay is a gift from God. But our culture doesn't understand that. And consequently, the culture sends messages that you ought to isolate. And isolation is the antithesis of what all of us need." To further explain his comment, the Rev. Bacon joins Oprah via satellite. "I meant exactly what I said," he says. "It is so important for every human being to understand that he or she is a gift from God."

On a PBS Religion & Ethics interview.
Q: Tell us why your church decided to go ahead and officiate at same sex weddings in California. A: I think that the central reason is that we believe that God's love is not discriminatory. It's not bigoted. There are no second-class citizens, and so the graces of the church should extend to everyone, regardless of who they are.

Q: One thing you hear over and over again from different segments of the Christian community is God instituted marriage between a man and a woman, and the Bible says this is between a man and a woman. How do you respond to that? A: I think it's very clear that the Bible has an arc that moves towards inclusiveness. Peter himself had a conversion experience about his fixed certainties and the things he felt repugnant toward, and the entire New Testament is about inclusion, about bringing more and more people in and understanding that there's nothing God created which is inherently evil, and so the Bible itself moves towards inclusion.

Suck it Rick!

Yes I have written about how pissed I am about Rick Warren at the inauguration but I keep seeing things that make me more angry. So Obama wants to have an inclusive service by including someone who is the leader of a church where "unrepentant gays were forbidden from joining the church."

Suck it Rick!
Not surprising that a Christian leader would be a closed minded bigot. Further proof that most Religion (with a capital "R") is destructive and mean.

Suck it Barack!
FYI -the gays make up part of your base. So far you are travelling down the path of every other asshole politician. This is why I am an Independent. All these political dickwads don't support gay marriage, oh sure they support civil unions, but marriage is too sacred an institution to allow the gays in.
Bill Clinton signs DOMA (The Defense of Marriage Act) and then has his intern suck him off...take that marriage. John Edwards doesn't believe in gay marriage and then sinks it in his producer...sorry wife with cancer. Larry Craig also hates the gays...unless you are the dude in the stall next to him. The list goes on...fucking hypocrites.

Oh one other thing in relation to Gay Marriage vs. Civil Unions....how about we only call our Presidents, Presidents when they are white, and black Presidents will be called Head of Country. You have all the same duties and responsibilities as Presidents but because you are black we have to call it Head of Country. How does that feel Head of Country-elect?

FYI - I still love Barack but he doesn't get a free ride. Lord knows he is 1000 times better than McStain could have been.

New Kelly

Here is a leak of the new Kelly Clarkson. Better listen before the internet bosses have it removed. I like to think that I made her the American Idol winner. I voted for her no less than 6531 times.

I like. 

Pimp My Ride

Whoa! The pres-mobile is crazy! I especially like the "Bottles of the president's blood kept on board in case he needs an emergency trandfusion." And you know there are super secret James Bond gadgets installed that we will never know about. I hope there is at least a smoke screen like on old school Spy Hunter.

Buy me this....

Would it be offensive if I wore this? If not someone buy it for me.

via

Microwave Part Deux

SOOOOO we uninstalled everything and went to Home Depot to pick up some more screws (Chris lost one) and togglebolts (the wingnuts from the first set of togglebolts are a permanent fixture within the walls of our house.) Of course, the Home Depot we went to sucked, it was like none of those assholes wanted to help us. We found the togglebolts but the "Self Aligning Machine Screws" were a bust. The instructions call for three of those self aligning screws and we figure we could manage with the two.

Back at home we're making progress and our wall now has EIGHT holes in it (some are 1/2 inch wide.) We lift the microwave onto the track thing and I go to screw the Self Aligning Machine Screws from the top cabinet into the microwave and GUESS WHAT(?!?)...the threads on the one screw are screwed. Chris, during his first attempt yesterday, tried to use the Self Aligning Machine Screws as wood screws and destroyed one...now we only have ONE Self Aligning Machine Screw.

"Ugh, I am over this fucking microwave, lets just return it. I need some wine," Chris rants as he storms out of the kitchen with a bottle under his arm. LOL! He is officially banned from home improvement. It's a good thing I love him.

Microwave installation: going on 48 hours.

Microwave

We finally broke down and bought a microwave. It's a nice one...it even has a "Pizza Slice" button that kind of excites me. We picked a stainless steel one even though our kitchen appliances are all bisque. The guy at Home Depot informed us that "they" are going to stop making the bisque color of appliances soon so I guess we've begun the conversion to stainless steel appliances.

Chris "installed" it. He is no longer allowed to install anything. He installed our doorknob; it took 8 hours, and he lost a part. He installed the microwave and it is a good 3 inches below where the instructions tell him it should be. Now we have to go get new screws and reinstall (I am in charge.) We also have 3 giant holes that need to be fixed and repainted....ugh Chris.

WTF

This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. WTF, if you were going to run outside on treadmill, why don't you just run outside...dumb.

Walking to Work

I am walking to work. It's a bit cold but I left my car there after
picking up the scooter. I'm gonna have horrible hat hair when I get in
and I wore sneakers instead of nice shoes so that will end up driving
me a little crazy later. This year I am going to try to walk at least
twice a week (hopefully more.) And it allows me to get through Neil
Gaiman's Neverwhere audio book I bought for the drive to Wyoming.

My Favorite Muppet

Fozzie Bear.
"Poor Fozzie. He’s the perpetual target of Statler and Waldorf because of his horrible jokes and puns. It actually created a bit of a problem during the first season of The Muppet Show, because when Fozzie got heckled, he got very upset and sometimes cried. Viewers didn’t feel sympathy; they felt embarrassed. The problem was solved by making Fozzie an optimist so that even when he got heckled he was good-natured about it. It’s often thought that he was named after Frank Oz, who was his puppeteer, but Frank said it’s just a variant of “fuzzy bear.” Yet another story says he was named for his builder, Faz Fazakas. Wocka wocka!!"
More Muppets Stories

My Buddy's Back

I forgot how much I love riding this! I picked him (yes it is a him) up from the doctor today and all is well.

Uncovered Variety

_ Hide your Jungle Janes. Is there a SVU for inflatables? Would that be SBU (Special Baloon Unit?) A blow-up doll sex bandit "has been taking the dolls out the back and blowing them up and using the dolls and leaving them in the alley."

_ The way it should be! It's called separation of church and state. Clergy members are refusing to sign marriage licenses for any couple until they are able to sign the document for any couple, gay or straight. The Rev. Pam Shepherd came up with the idea after realizing she was inadvertently contributing to discrimination against gay and lesbian couples.

_ Bushed! Where we stand as "he's about to dash out the door." And I thought my bank account was bleak.

_ Yikes! I saw that horrible SCI-FI movie about a supervolcano, is this the beginning? Hundreds of earthquakes rippled through Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming, in late December and early January, prompting fears that the shaking might trigger dangerous steam explosions.

_ How come I didn't look like this when I was a swimmer?

*sick*

I've been sick for the past week (and still don't feel 100%.) So I apologize for the lack of posts. I'm happy to see that there are 30+ of you out there that are reading regularly...yay! My New Year goal is to post at least once a day and hopefully much more.

More TV...True Beauty

Yes I love TV. I'm not ashamed. 

Thankfully the suckfest that is Supersuckstars of Dance sucked so much (it was like watching a one legged tranny play Dance Dance Revolution...that ain't good) that we decided to tune in to anything else, which happened to be the Blech-elor (Chris' idea...the guy is hot but the girls...ugh.) I refuse to watch the Bachelor so I played WOW (shut up) until it was over. The "real reason" we watched it was because it was the lead in show for the new True Beauty.

True Beauty is a Tyra Banks/Ashton Kucher production that puts these really obnoxious "beautiful" people together so they can cute battle each other to the top. The twist is that there are all these hidden cameras to catch their "true beauty," like opening other contestant files when no one is around or helping a guy open the door when his hands are full. 

Genius. 

There is nothing better than tossing a group of self absorbed, narcissistic, egotistic, conceited, self-centered assholes into a house and having them fight it out. During the course of the episode the contestants are told in one fashion or another that they are not all that. Tonight they were measured for the scientific definition of beauty (you know symmetry and all that) which inevitably leads to a beautiful meltdown. In the end as they kick one of these idiots out, they show the loser clips of their assholiness throughout the show. Awesome. This also leads to a bit of nasty bitchiness, also awesome. 

Also funny, watching the joy on Vanessa Minnillo's face (one of the hosts) as she tells them that true beauty comes from within, i.e. "You're ugly bitch, get out!" Ha!

We'll be catching this again.

We give it an "Easter Chocolate Bunny...hollow on the inside and oh so yummy on the out."

"Superstars" of Dance

I suppose you could call this "live blogging" cause I am writing this as I watch. I haven't completely written this show off, not completely but close. I'll give it at least one more episode, maybe two. The Superstars of Dance is a great premise and I had high hopes for the show. 

I love the Shooby Dooby Dooby Dance i.e. So You Think You Can Dance and I thought oooh this could be fun. (BTW does anyone else think that the theme to that show says, "Shooby Dooby Dooby Dance" and not "So You Think You Can Dance?")

Anyway...so I thought that this could be a kick ass dance show highlighting great dance of the world. I am a bit let down, this show is not Shooby Dooby and I think it is a half assed attempt. 

Here is what is wrong:

1. Letting the judges say the score in their native language. Half the time it sounds like they are choking or saying "bad eight" or "not nine," which is just confusing.

2. African dances. Bitches get with it. You are from AFRICA, not Detroit, AFRICA! Represent, damn. I've been to Africa and I must say the kids that greeted us off the bus danced better. Come on, you have history and culture and beat and rhythm, don't dress like miners and beat garbage cans. If I wanted to see that I would go to Stomp. They should have busted out some grand tribal dance with feathers and war paint...not headlamps! You. Are. From. AFRICA!

3. Indian dances. Come on! You are from INDIA! Do your fancy sari, bindi, hand cymbals, India dance shit right. Did you just find out you were coming to a dance competition? They weren't even together.

4. The dancers. Half these dancers wouldn't make it through the first round of Shooby Dooby. More often than not they are flailing around on the ground...and not in the good interpretive dance, weeping willow, broken shoulder sort of way.

5. Coaches. Skip the coaching and buy a choreographer.

5a. The dances suck. I'm no expert but come on Shooby Dooby can light some fire on a tango so can you. Show me something fast and exciting. Toss that bitch around, do a flip, anything, please. 

5b. Spinning in circles is not dancing, it is spinning in circles. My nieces love to do that and I am doing it right now, doesn't make me a dancer.

6. No critique. Ok, until this moment I have always said I kind of hate the judges because of their snarky comments and unhelpful criticism. I think now I miss it. Competition shows need judges with personality, I miss Mary's scream and hot tamale train nonsense, Simon's nasty looks and man boobs, and Paula's intoxicated rambles.

7. For the love of God do not mention Fred Astaire again. We get it, he was good, but he was born in 1899, yes thats right EIGHTEEN HUNDRED (sure the late 1800's but still) and he died in 1987. No wonder this show might suck, according to Superstars there hasn't been good dancing in at the very least 22 years.

8. Michael Flatley. His name says it all, FLAT. So you use a teleprompter, try to make it look like you aren't reading it.

Here is what is right:

1. Pasha and Anya...and Pasha (swoon) from Shooby Dooby.

2. The weird pop-locker from Shooby Dooby.

3. The Shaolin monks from China and especially those little monklettes (the little ones that kicked ass.) Who doesn't like a flippy monk...this is why I like Mortal Kombat. And the one crazy monk balanced on spears! They weren't the best dancers, but they were exciting and did flips. Hey Africa, this is what you should have done except with the feathers and furs and war paint and tribal dancing....not garbage cans from Home Depot.

4. Topless boys. 

5. Pasha (he gets his own number too.)

We will see if tomorrow night gets any better.

I give it "A One Legged Tranny Playing Dance Dance Revolution"...not good.