"A sadness tinged with arousal."
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Facebook ugh!
Open letter to my Facebook "friends."
Dear Facebook Friends,
I understand that you just figured out the internets and your world is a fresh new playground. It has been, until now, a mythical beast only smart people and city folks understood; that just by plugging your Commodore 64 into the wall you can see live video of animals in Africa...you know, the other place besides the zoo that has elephants.
I also understand how this wholespying reconnecting with old friends you haven't seen in 15 years is addicting and fun. I myself am guilty of searching out old high school chums just to see how wrinkled their faces have become.
BUT for the love of all that is holy and good...
#1. ...don't send me anymore virtual holiday treats, this means Christmas cupcakes, cookies, candy canes, etc. I don't want to put them in my virtual gingerbread house. And anyway I'm virtually fat, so I don't need them cause then I would have to go to a virtual gym and virtual sweat to lose those virtual calories. I would probably fall off the virtual tread mill (cause in virtual world I can run) and then a virtual ambulance with a really hot virtual EMT (cause if its virtual why not make it a hot EMT) would have to come take me to the virtual hospital and I might fall in love with said virtual EMT and then I would have to get a virtual divorce and split up my virtual house and all my virtual money (cause virtually I am rich) only to have the virtual EMT break it off after only 3 virtual months, leaving me virtually alone...ugh! See all the virtual work you cause....oh wait I have a secret for you, none of it is real. (Oh my, I typed virtual so much that now it doesn't look like a real word...would that make it a virtual word?)
#2 ...don't hit me with some stupid Facebook snowball. I'm not hitting you back, I'm just going to ignore it and roll my eyes. I don't like real snowball fights, why the hell would I like a fake one. In case you skipped #1...they're not real.
#3 ...PLEASE don't send me a poinsettia plant, a lily, a Cattleya Orchid, a Purple Chrysanthemum, a weird little Strawberry Shortcake rip off named Cali Pop or Holy Shiitaki or Peachy Keen or Patty Plum or Rocco Lee. None of it.
#4 ...do not under any circumstance send me invitations to join your ridiculous groups. I do not want to be a member of "1,000,000 Terrible Towel Wavers," "The Evil Overlords Handbook," "The Gregorious Music Roundtable," "I am a Minion of the Noodles Empire"....I could go on and on.
#4a ...really DO NOT ask me to join any group that has to do with some religious self-righteous bullshit. I like what I have going for spirituality so keep your hocus pocus to yourself. This means you, you Put Christ back is Christmas-ers and you One Body of Christ Experiment (all Christians on Facebook)-ers, even you I'M NOTHING WITHOUT GOD-ers and especially you Christian Girls are more beautiful because-ers. No more!
#4b ...keep 80% of your causes to yourself. There are valid causes on here but come on "Hip-Hop Is Not Dead," "Who gives a SHIT about Paris Hilton!!!," or "PROUD TO BE ALBANIAN"...really? These are causes?
#5 ...send me an email. Do not write 3 pages of what and who you have been doing on my wall. In case you don't know (which I know some don't) it is called a Wall because EVERYONE can read it...like graffiti. So if you are "blah, blah, blah I have hemmeroids blah, blah blah" on my wall, guess what you just informed my 200+ friends that you have masses of tissues present in your anal canal. Gross. (That is just an example cause to be honest I don't want to know if you have hemmeroids on my wall or in an email. Keep you anal canal to yourself.)
#6. ...please hyphenate your married name. See this is what happens, you friend me, I look at Jane Smith who only has a picture of her car and think, "Who the hell is Jane Smith?" You see her name used to be Jane Jones and if she had hyphenated her name Jane Jones-Smith I might have known who is the proud owner of a 1990 Geo Metro and then promptly ignored her friend request...really, who still has a 1990 Geo Metro. Also, even if you have a current picture, try to find an old one to post too because time has not been kind to your face and I think, "Who's grandmother wants to be my friend?"
Sincerely,
Larry
Dear Facebook Friends,
I understand that you just figured out the internets and your world is a fresh new playground. It has been, until now, a mythical beast only smart people and city folks understood; that just by plugging your Commodore 64 into the wall you can see live video of animals in Africa...you know, the other place besides the zoo that has elephants.
I also understand how this whole
BUT for the love of all that is holy and good...
#1. ...don't send me anymore virtual holiday treats, this means Christmas cupcakes, cookies, candy canes, etc. I don't want to put them in my virtual gingerbread house. And anyway I'm virtually fat, so I don't need them cause then I would have to go to a virtual gym and virtual sweat to lose those virtual calories. I would probably fall off the virtual tread mill (cause in virtual world I can run) and then a virtual ambulance with a really hot virtual EMT (cause if its virtual why not make it a hot EMT) would have to come take me to the virtual hospital and I might fall in love with said virtual EMT and then I would have to get a virtual divorce and split up my virtual house and all my virtual money (cause virtually I am rich) only to have the virtual EMT break it off after only 3 virtual months, leaving me virtually alone...ugh! See all the virtual work you cause....oh wait I have a secret for you, none of it is real. (Oh my, I typed virtual so much that now it doesn't look like a real word...would that make it a virtual word?)
#2 ...don't hit me with some stupid Facebook snowball. I'm not hitting you back, I'm just going to ignore it and roll my eyes. I don't like real snowball fights, why the hell would I like a fake one. In case you skipped #1...they're not real.
#3 ...PLEASE don't send me a poinsettia plant, a lily, a Cattleya Orchid, a Purple Chrysanthemum, a weird little Strawberry Shortcake rip off named Cali Pop or Holy Shiitaki or Peachy Keen or Patty Plum or Rocco Lee. None of it.
#4 ...do not under any circumstance send me invitations to join your ridiculous groups. I do not want to be a member of "1,000,000 Terrible Towel Wavers," "The Evil Overlords Handbook," "The Gregorious Music Roundtable," "I am a Minion of the Noodles Empire"....I could go on and on.
#4a ...really DO NOT ask me to join any group that has to do with some religious self-righteous bullshit. I like what I have going for spirituality so keep your hocus pocus to yourself. This means you, you Put Christ back is Christmas-ers and you One Body of Christ Experiment (all Christians on Facebook)-ers, even you I'M NOTHING WITHOUT GOD-ers and especially you Christian Girls are more beautiful because-ers. No more!
#4b ...keep 80% of your causes to yourself. There are valid causes on here but come on "Hip-Hop Is Not Dead," "Who gives a SHIT about Paris Hilton!!!," or "PROUD TO BE ALBANIAN"...really? These are causes?
#5 ...send me an email. Do not write 3 pages of what and who you have been doing on my wall. In case you don't know (which I know some don't) it is called a Wall because EVERYONE can read it...like graffiti. So if you are "blah, blah, blah I have hemmeroids blah, blah blah" on my wall, guess what you just informed my 200+ friends that you have masses of tissues present in your anal canal. Gross. (That is just an example cause to be honest I don't want to know if you have hemmeroids on my wall or in an email. Keep you anal canal to yourself.)
#6. ...please hyphenate your married name. See this is what happens, you friend me, I look at Jane Smith who only has a picture of her car and think, "Who the hell is Jane Smith?" You see her name used to be Jane Jones and if she had hyphenated her name Jane Jones-Smith I might have known who is the proud owner of a 1990 Geo Metro and then promptly ignored her friend request...really, who still has a 1990 Geo Metro. Also, even if you have a current picture, try to find an old one to post too because time has not been kind to your face and I think, "Who's grandmother wants to be my friend?"
Sincerely,
Larry
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