Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Wish I Could See the Dress
I'm designing materials for an upcoming wedding and it may be the most ghetto thing I've come across. As they are to light the Unity Candle they wanted it to say, "We light the candle in membrence of....." Membrance? I corrected it, "Remembrance" and sent a proof only to have them insist I had it wrong and to put membrance back in.
Ok, its your wedding.
Ok, its your wedding.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Interviews part 4
• #7 really was annoying after I wrote the last post. I definately would have hit the "Shooter into the street" button. The Macbook REALLY messed with her, she kept asking me questions and I was like, "This isn't the Genius Bar, shit." Yeah she bugged.
• #8 is also kind of annoying. These to church ladies keep asking me questions and my head voice is saying, "Isn't that kind of cheating? This is your interview not mine."
• Shoot them both into the street.
• #8 is also kind of annoying. These to church ladies keep asking me questions and my head voice is saying, "Isn't that kind of cheating? This is your interview not mine."
• Shoot them both into the street.
Interviews part 3
So this is probably not interesting at all anymore (if it ever was) but I've started this and I am going to finish...so suck it.
Three more today...
• The 5th applicant was a guy. Looks to be about my age and may or may not be cute, couldn't decide. He was nice, wore a suit, I'm wearing shorts.
• Applicant #6 and #7 have fallen back into church lady-ish-ness.
• #6 wasn't very nice. I think my distraction test was distracting for her. I wish I had a button at my desk that I could push and they would fall through a trap door and get shot outside onto the lawn...that would be fun.
• #7 has a lot of crazy on her face. She was bit too much energy for me, which means that she has A LOT of annoying energy...you see I have a high energy threshold. AND she grabbed my fucking handshake before we touched web to web (between the pointer finger and thumb) WHICH MEANS that she ended up grabbing my 4 fingers WHICH MEANS I had a really weak ass queeny handshake...ugh!
As an adendum and side note....people when you hand shake please wait until the webs touch cause it only makes one person look like a prancing weak ass bitch if you grab too early.
Three more today...
• The 5th applicant was a guy. Looks to be about my age and may or may not be cute, couldn't decide. He was nice, wore a suit, I'm wearing shorts.
• Applicant #6 and #7 have fallen back into church lady-ish-ness.
• #6 wasn't very nice. I think my distraction test was distracting for her. I wish I had a button at my desk that I could push and they would fall through a trap door and get shot outside onto the lawn...that would be fun.
• #7 has a lot of crazy on her face. She was bit too much energy for me, which means that she has A LOT of annoying energy...you see I have a high energy threshold. AND she grabbed my fucking handshake before we touched web to web (between the pointer finger and thumb) WHICH MEANS that she ended up grabbing my 4 fingers WHICH MEANS I had a really weak ass queeny handshake...ugh!
As an adendum and side note....people when you hand shake please wait until the webs touch cause it only makes one person look like a prancing weak ass bitch if you grab too early.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Interviews Part 2
Ok more applicants...
• They're still smelling like old whores *ack*
• Third ones glasses were so think I didn't know if she had eyeballs or just little black holes in her head, kind a like the eyes of Charlie Brown. In fact now that I mention it she did look like an older Peppermint Patty.
• Fourth one wore nice dark denim jeans. That works for me. Shows she probably isn't an old church lady. We can work on her perfume later. *ack*
• They're still smelling like old whores *ack*
• Third ones glasses were so think I didn't know if she had eyeballs or just little black holes in her head, kind a like the eyes of Charlie Brown. In fact now that I mention it she did look like an older Peppermint Patty.
• Fourth one wore nice dark denim jeans. That works for me. Shows she probably isn't an old church lady. We can work on her perfume later. *ack*
Lock My Car
I "order" some new pens (cause I am a particular bitch with my pens...need to be 1.0 mm or I can't use them), computer cleaner and some cd labels from our Administrative Assistant (yes one of the two Wonder Twins of stupidity.) She goes and gets the shit then forgets it all in her car so I volunteer to go get it.
"Here is my key and you'll need to push this button right here to unlock the car"
My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like an unlocked lock?"
"And after you close it make sure you lock it and to do that push this button twice and be sure it locks."
My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like a locked lock? Look, I know how to work a fucking auto car lock, I have one on my car and BTW this isn't a new invention. Just because this is the first car you've bought since the invention of the color TV doesn't make it new. "
"Oh and make sure you hear the horn honk cause that means it worked."
My head voice, "No shit."
My outside voice, "Will do."
"Here is my key and you'll need to push this button right here to unlock the car"
My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like an unlocked lock?"
"And after you close it make sure you lock it and to do that push this button twice and be sure it locks."
My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like a locked lock? Look, I know how to work a fucking auto car lock, I have one on my car and BTW this isn't a new invention. Just because this is the first car you've bought since the invention of the color TV doesn't make it new. "
"Oh and make sure you hear the horn honk cause that means it worked."
My head voice, "No shit."
My outside voice, "Will do."
Interviews
More work stuff...
We're hiring and I would never want the job but apparently several people do. When I heard about the interviews for today and tomorrow I started plotting ways I could sneak around and see the applicants (I am a nosey bitch.) Well as luck would have it the applicants have to do an online test AND since I am the only person on the staff who has any sort of techy brain they put the applicants outside my office to take the test....yay! Poor things are also taking the test on a cute little Macbook, which confuses the fuck out of them.
This is the "live blog" of my first impressions.
• So far there have been two women, both looking like little old church ladies...ugh.
• What is it with little old church ladies bathing in old women perfume. *gag* Ahhh that shit is burning my lasik!
• The first lady looked, sounded and smelled like she smokes 2 packs a day and falls asleep with a bottle of Jack in her lap. At least she was nice and could be fun at the Christmas party
• The second lady looked like she hasn't had sex in 25 years and kind of behaved that way too. She wasn't as nice and acted like she was already my boss, which BTW this person is NOT going to be my boss...she better step off. She looks like she might hate me. It's probably because I'm a young 35, a happy little gay, am wearing shorts and blaring Poker Face while she is trying to do her test. See little do they all know, I've planned my own tests (bwahhhahahaha)...these bitches need to be able to multi-task so I am being a little more distracting than usually (bwahahahahah).
More to come....
We're hiring and I would never want the job but apparently several people do. When I heard about the interviews for today and tomorrow I started plotting ways I could sneak around and see the applicants (I am a nosey bitch.) Well as luck would have it the applicants have to do an online test AND since I am the only person on the staff who has any sort of techy brain they put the applicants outside my office to take the test....yay! Poor things are also taking the test on a cute little Macbook, which confuses the fuck out of them.
This is the "live blog" of my first impressions.
• So far there have been two women, both looking like little old church ladies...ugh.
• What is it with little old church ladies bathing in old women perfume. *gag* Ahhh that shit is burning my lasik!
• The first lady looked, sounded and smelled like she smokes 2 packs a day and falls asleep with a bottle of Jack in her lap. At least she was nice and could be fun at the Christmas party
• The second lady looked like she hasn't had sex in 25 years and kind of behaved that way too. She wasn't as nice and acted like she was already my boss, which BTW this person is NOT going to be my boss...she better step off. She looks like she might hate me. It's probably because I'm a young 35, a happy little gay, am wearing shorts and blaring Poker Face while she is trying to do her test. See little do they all know, I've planned my own tests (bwahhhahahaha)...these bitches need to be able to multi-task so I am being a little more distracting than usually (bwahahahahah).
More to come....
Monday, April 27, 2009
Assist this!
So I haven’t yet really bitched about a couple of my coworkers but today is the day I start. I work with two of the possibly most useless administrative "assistants"...and I use assistant loosely. They are sweet people but 91% (yes 91%) of the time I want to beat them with the cremains of Marion. Chris wants to fire them and gets all HR-ey wondering why such incompetence is tolerated but working in a church is a whole different working culture. This will probably be a regular post because sometimes I think their job is just to annoy the shit out of me.
Anyway, the last Monday of the month I mail out 1000 or so 20 page newsletters and have a large group of volunteers (20 old folks who run my ass off, "This water isn’t hot enough," "Where is the Earl Grey tea?" and on and on) that collate and label them before I bundle, bag and deliver to the bulk mail facility (which by the way is a mild form of torture...I hate this shit.) So on top of a really horrible task, these two seem to always ratchet up their ineptitude come mailing day, like the Wonder Twins of stupidity.
Since it is a MAILING I obviously need the MAILING labels and they always seem to forget or not hear me and more often than not, just fuck it up. One month its printed on paper, the next its on the back of the label sheet (which confuses the fuck out of my old people) and once it was on sheets of labels that were missing random labels out of the sheet (how the fuck does that even happen.)
Today I get the labels and immediately look at them and think, "What the fuck? Not again!" My labels, like 100 sheets, are printed gigantically. I mean that the font size is probably around 16 pt. That isn’t normally outrageous but we are talking about little fucking mailing labels. So three quarters of the name, address and city, state and zip are on one label and finishes off on the one next to it AND only the name and address really fit vertically on the label and the city state and zip are on the label below it. Basically, like the assistants, they are worthless.
I bring them back and want to scream and rant but nicely say, "Hey guys, these aren’t going to work."
They look and one says, "Well look at that, how did that happen?"
Really? I think, it happened because you printed it that way...AGAIN.
So for the fourth month in a row I show them that they have control over the point size and I gently encourage them to look at the fucking screen before sending them to the printer and wasting all those labels. AND if they do fuck up how about you look at the fucking stack of labels BEFORE sending them down to me to use. I’ve tried to get them to let me mess with the management software to see if I can change the default but they giggle and say they will remember how to do it.
I am not a complete asshole and these things don’t really annoy me, but when it continues to happen month after month and they pretend like there is some computer gremlin that is out to get them, I want to flip out!
Breath. Donut. Breath. Better now.
Anyway, the last Monday of the month I mail out 1000 or so 20 page newsletters and have a large group of volunteers (20 old folks who run my ass off, "This water isn’t hot enough," "Where is the Earl Grey tea?" and on and on) that collate and label them before I bundle, bag and deliver to the bulk mail facility (which by the way is a mild form of torture...I hate this shit.) So on top of a really horrible task, these two seem to always ratchet up their ineptitude come mailing day, like the Wonder Twins of stupidity.
Since it is a MAILING I obviously need the MAILING labels and they always seem to forget or not hear me and more often than not, just fuck it up. One month its printed on paper, the next its on the back of the label sheet (which confuses the fuck out of my old people) and once it was on sheets of labels that were missing random labels out of the sheet (how the fuck does that even happen.)
Today I get the labels and immediately look at them and think, "What the fuck? Not again!" My labels, like 100 sheets, are printed gigantically. I mean that the font size is probably around 16 pt. That isn’t normally outrageous but we are talking about little fucking mailing labels. So three quarters of the name, address and city, state and zip are on one label and finishes off on the one next to it AND only the name and address really fit vertically on the label and the city state and zip are on the label below it. Basically, like the assistants, they are worthless.
I bring them back and want to scream and rant but nicely say, "Hey guys, these aren’t going to work."
They look and one says, "Well look at that, how did that happen?"
Really? I think, it happened because you printed it that way...AGAIN.
So for the fourth month in a row I show them that they have control over the point size and I gently encourage them to look at the fucking screen before sending them to the printer and wasting all those labels. AND if they do fuck up how about you look at the fucking stack of labels BEFORE sending them down to me to use. I’ve tried to get them to let me mess with the management software to see if I can change the default but they giggle and say they will remember how to do it.
I am not a complete asshole and these things don’t really annoy me, but when it continues to happen month after month and they pretend like there is some computer gremlin that is out to get them, I want to flip out!
Breath. Donut. Breath. Better now.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Memorial
Sorry I've been negligent in my posting. Its been a busy, emotionally draining week at work. There is a memorial this Saturday and I've had to meet almost everyday with the family to discuss memorial materials. Memorials are always tough for me, they make me sad, but this one is really hitting me in the gut. Their son died in a helicopter accident in (fucking) Iraq, he was 32 (and adorable.) When parents bury their children there are always a ton of tears and I have cried every time this week after they leave my office...ugh. I even teared up when designing the program with his picture and really nice poem.
I'm not really sure why this one is messing with my head more than others. I do at least one memorial a month. Maybe its because he was only 2 years younger than I am, maybe because he was cute, maybe because the parents are extra kind, maybe because the man cried first (something about seeing a dad cry that makes me extra sad,) maybe because he died in in a stupid war, maybe because you could see the pain on their faces....I don't know but I finish up today. They expect over 900 for the memorial, so I have quite a bit left to do and then I can let go.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Marion is Sitting On My Desk
Sometimes I have the strangest job.A woman shows up at my door saying that she can't find anyone else in the building and then hands me a little vase, "Here is Marion, she is being interred later this week."
EEEEEK!
Really?!?!? Hey mortician/cremator lady, don't you think you ought to warn someone before you hand them a little jar of dead?!?! I certainly do! Marion almost became part of the carpet.
Marion is sitting on my desk. I've barely been ably to take my eyes off the jar. I'm officially gigantically creeped out.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Intensive Purposes
I'm talking with someone the other day (being intentionally vague) and she is talking and talking and talking and talking and talking. It's a ramblefest about some TV show that I have never seen, will never see and have NO desire to see....it's on the Family Channel, so even if I had cable I'm fairly certain that TFC is not on my regular viewing short list.
She is talking about Dan who is blah blah with Rachel, who is blah blah, and then there is Randy who likes blah blah but grew up blah blah...and on and on and on. Let me remind you these aren't real people...it's a TV show. I have NO idea why she is telling me this cause I told her I haven't a clue who these people are but she just keeps talking.
At about minute 12 I click off, like really clicked off. I was watching her mouth move and pretending to listen but had completely stopped hearing what she was saying. This goes on for at least another 7 minutes and then my subconsious hears this "...blah, blah, blah, for all intensive purposes, blah, blah, blah..." WAIT WHAT?!?!
Oh thank you the part of my brain that can pay some sort of attention. Since then she has used "for all intensive purposes" a number of times. Should I tell her it is "intents and purposes?" I rather enjoy hearing the mistake, makes me giggle inside and I think I might like whatever an intensive purpose is...sounds cool.
How I love intensive purposes...I might make that my blog name.
She is talking about Dan who is blah blah with Rachel, who is blah blah, and then there is Randy who likes blah blah but grew up blah blah...and on and on and on. Let me remind you these aren't real people...it's a TV show. I have NO idea why she is telling me this cause I told her I haven't a clue who these people are but she just keeps talking.
At about minute 12 I click off, like really clicked off. I was watching her mouth move and pretending to listen but had completely stopped hearing what she was saying. This goes on for at least another 7 minutes and then my subconsious hears this "...blah, blah, blah, for all intensive purposes, blah, blah, blah..." WAIT WHAT?!?!
Oh thank you the part of my brain that can pay some sort of attention. Since then she has used "for all intensive purposes" a number of times. Should I tell her it is "intents and purposes?" I rather enjoy hearing the mistake, makes me giggle inside and I think I might like whatever an intensive purpose is...sounds cool.
How I love intensive purposes...I might make that my blog name.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
A New Day
Yesterday afternoon I spoke with one of my volunteers about the inaugaration of Barack. She is a sweet little 86 year old African American grandma. She brings me fudge at Christmas, cookies on my birthday and she gave me a cleaning bucket when I bought my house. I love her.
"I feel like something in here," she says pointing at her chest, "has healed. For the first time in my whole life I feel like this is my country."
I also spoke to one of the maintenance/custodial guys and asked him what he thought. He said, "We were told growing up that we could be anything we want, except president. That is no longer true."
This makes me smile.
"I feel like something in here," she says pointing at her chest, "has healed. For the first time in my whole life I feel like this is my country."
I also spoke to one of the maintenance/custodial guys and asked him what he thought. He said, "We were told growing up that we could be anything we want, except president. That is no longer true."
This makes me smile.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Mitras Party....whew
I just finished with the annual Christmas Mithras party that I throw for my volunteers and I am officially spent. On a normal "volunteer Monday" they run my ass off getting them hotter water, turning the heater on, different tea, more creamer, etc. (you see the oldest volunteer is 92 and the youngest is 70 something), add the party to it and I want to pull my hair out.
If I didn't have enough to do, the guy that was to pick up the food is "sick" AND has the company credit card. SO since he is "sick" I had to run to the store and use my boss' card to buy the $400 worth of party trays (which BTW don't fit in a single cart but 3...how the fuck do they expect me to navigate through the store with THREE carts!) At the checkout, as luck would have it, the ONLY time in my life that the grocery store has asked for identification is TODAY!
I hand my ID, "Ummm the card's not mine. It's my boss' and I am just here to pick up the trays."
"Well, this won't do. I need a manager over-ride," says the none to helpful and nasty checkout bitch. *** Side note: Who the hell says, "This won't do." ***
And I hear the collective groan from the 12 people behind me. I'm certain they all are thinking something along the lines of, "He has 3 carts AND he stole someones ID."
So Mr. Manager shows up and I explain loudly (cause I am not a criminal you nosey checkout line bitches!) "I'm picking up trays and the card is my boss'. Trust me," I say, "if I were to steal someones identity I WOULD NOT be buying $400 worth of fucking party trays." I actually didn't say fucking but I thought it.
After he looked me up and down, he allowed it and I was off and back and off and back and off and back...because you have to make 3 trips with THREE carts full of roll sandwiches and vegetables!
Anyway, the party was a hit. I almost teared up as watched my 92 year old volunteer eat and socialize. I have watched her slow down over the years and especially this last year she has really started to fade away. This could be her last Christmas and that really saddens me. She gave me a nice pen set and a big hug as she hobbled (with her walker) out the door.
Now that I have gotten all that out of my system, the party was a who's who of fantastic Christmas sweaters. This one made an appearance.
This one I found online and the caption made me honestly laugh out loud.
And thank the sweet Lord that this did not make an appearance. Rudolph would have had a much, much longer nose.
If I didn't have enough to do, the guy that was to pick up the food is "sick" AND has the company credit card. SO since he is "sick" I had to run to the store and use my boss' card to buy the $400 worth of party trays (which BTW don't fit in a single cart but 3...how the fuck do they expect me to navigate through the store with THREE carts!) At the checkout, as luck would have it, the ONLY time in my life that the grocery store has asked for identification is TODAY!
I hand my ID, "Ummm the card's not mine. It's my boss' and I am just here to pick up the trays."
"Well, this won't do. I need a manager over-ride," says the none to helpful and nasty checkout bitch. *** Side note: Who the hell says, "This won't do." ***
And I hear the collective groan from the 12 people behind me. I'm certain they all are thinking something along the lines of, "He has 3 carts AND he stole someones ID."
So Mr. Manager shows up and I explain loudly (cause I am not a criminal you nosey checkout line bitches!) "I'm picking up trays and the card is my boss'. Trust me," I say, "if I were to steal someones identity I WOULD NOT be buying $400 worth of fucking party trays." I actually didn't say fucking but I thought it.
After he looked me up and down, he allowed it and I was off and back and off and back and off and back...because you have to make 3 trips with THREE carts full of roll sandwiches and vegetables!
Anyway, the party was a hit. I almost teared up as watched my 92 year old volunteer eat and socialize. I have watched her slow down over the years and especially this last year she has really started to fade away. This could be her last Christmas and that really saddens me. She gave me a nice pen set and a big hug as she hobbled (with her walker) out the door.
Now that I have gotten all that out of my system, the party was a who's who of fantastic Christmas sweaters. This one made an appearance.
This one I found online and the caption made me honestly laugh out loud.
"WTF? She looks like a Christmas suicide bomber. How does she stand up straight with all that shit on there?" Ha ha "Christmas suicide bomber" funny.
And thank the sweet Lord that this did not make an appearance. Rudolph would have had a much, much longer nose.
Monday, December 15, 2008
C:/2009
I just created and saved something in my first 2009 folder. It makes me a little happy when I start the new year folder. It looks all fresh and new, all ready for things to happen.
Office Forecast
48.2°
Honestly. These big ass windows are awesome for light but suck for just about everything else a window is supposed to do. They are about 2 cm thick (some have little holes in them) and over 100 years old. And because they are so old there isn't anything we can do without grants and stain glass restorer people...so I just freeze. Oh well I can leave my food and drink in here and it stays cold.
Oh BTW the converse is also true...in the summer it has been 89°.
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