Oh Wyoming part 2

I'm at the grocery store in the liquor storish section (cause really what is there to do in Wyoming but drink) and in front of me, buying some Keystone (ick,) is this kid in a HS letter jacket. I failed to see the year, but displayed proudly on his back, "Wrestling manager." 

The check out lady (with frosted tips, a perm AND a Santa hat...the trifecta) says, "You boys getting your drink on tonight?"

The wrestling manager says all sheepishly, "Yeah, but I ain't gettin drunk 'cause I did that once and I don't wanna do it again."

Then they walk out of the store with their Keystone.

Now maybe I am getting old and maybe I'm a little jealous for all the years of non-underage bar drinking my babyface screwed me out of, but I think that if you have a letter jacket on you should be carded. It should be a rule, right next to the "if you are born before this day" calendar....I'm just sayin'.

Oh Wyoming part 1

Seen during last minute Christmas shopping (at Pamida):
11 people with bad frosted tips 
4 camo outfits (on people not the rack)
7 busy bad perms
3 people wearing antlers (oh how cute)
18 people wearing Santa hats (even my dad, who doesn't notice or care much about anything said, 

"Wow sure are a lot of Santa hats, eh?"
1 out of town gay (beside me...you can just tell)
And a partidge in a pear tree.

Wind farm

Merry Christmas

I'm 30 minutes from hitting the road for Wyoming. Trying to get out before the snow flies. Have a Merry Christmas all!

Is it wrong...

that male mannequins turn me on a little. Seen during last minute Christmas torture.

Overheard...

...in the toy aisle at Target. Feel free to act it out with your friends.

Redneck Mom: Oh no they're out of Barbies, what are we going to do.
Redneck Dad: Get her that one.
(points to the African American Barbie)
Redneck Mom: (in a loud side whisper) We can't get her THAT one (looks around) its blaaaaack.
Redneck Dad: Well what do we do?
Redneck Mom: Let's just tell her its a "Real Tan Barbie."

***WTF! Really?!? Like it would be a bad thing to own an African American Barbie. Fucking racists, I wanted to kick them both in the shins. Merry KKKristmas...dickheads.

Mitras Party....whew

I just finished with the annual Christmas Mithras party that I throw for my volunteers and I am officially spent. On a normal "volunteer Monday" they run my ass off getting them hotter water, turning the heater on, different tea, more creamer, etc. (you see the oldest volunteer is 92 and the youngest is 70 something), add the party to it and I want to pull my hair out.

If I didn't have enough to do, the guy that was to pick up the food is "sick" AND has the company credit card. SO since he is "sick" I had to run to the store and use my boss' card to buy the $400 worth of party trays (which BTW don't fit in a single cart but 3...how the fuck do they expect me to navigate through the store with THREE carts!) At the checkout, as luck would have it, the ONLY time in my life that the grocery store has asked for identification is TODAY!

I hand my ID, "Ummm the card's not mine. It's my boss' and I am just here to pick up the trays."

"Well, this won't do. I need a manager over-ride," says the none to helpful and nasty checkout bitch. *** Side note: Who the hell says, "This won't do." ***

And I hear the collective groan from the 12 people behind me. I'm certain they all are thinking something along the lines of, "He has 3 carts AND he stole someones ID."

So Mr. Manager shows up and I explain loudly (cause I am not a criminal you nosey checkout line bitches!) "I'm picking up trays and the card is my boss'. Trust me," I say, "if I were to steal someones identity I WOULD NOT be buying $400 worth of fucking party trays." I actually didn't say fucking but I thought it.

After he looked me up and down, he allowed it and I was off and back and off and back and off and back...because you have to make 3 trips with THREE carts full of roll sandwiches and vegetables!

Anyway, the party was a hit. I almost teared up as watched my 92 year old volunteer eat and socialize. I have watched her slow down over the years and especially this last year she has really started to fade away. This could be her last Christmas and that really saddens me. She gave me a nice pen set and a big hug as she hobbled (with her walker) out the door.

Now that I have gotten all that out of my system, the party was a who's who of fantastic Christmas sweaters. This one made an appearance.

This one I found online and the caption made me honestly laugh out loud.

"WTF? She looks like a Christmas suicide bomber. How does she stand up straight with all that shit on there?" Ha ha "Christmas suicide bomber" funny.

And thank the sweet Lord that this did not make an appearance. Rudolph would have had a much, much longer nose.

Synchornized Dancing! Woot!

My House Next Christmas

Think Chris will mind?

Only a gay would have a dance mix of Amazing Grace...it's a little awesome and a bit horrible.

By Invocation You Mean Hate-ocation

When I was all rah-rah Obama I made myself a little promise that I would, once he was elected, treat him just as I would if McCain were elected or as I do Bush. I didn't want to be one of those people who is softer on "their elected official."

That said, I fully disagree with his choice of Rick Warren to give the invocation at the inauguration. I think I understand what he is doing. He is trying to show that he is going to be the inclusive President he promised in the campaign. This is partially why I voted for him, he is going to be open to all ideas. With Rick Warren he misses the mark.

Rick Warren is "very established in the religious right and his position on social issues like gay rights, stem cell research and women's rights are all out of the mainstream and are very much opposed to the progressive agenda that Obama ran on." Huffington Post. On gay rights he compares homosexuality to polygamy, incest and pedophilia. This pisses me off.

Rick Warren uses the Bible to spread fear and hate. Do these religious nut jobs not realize that the Bible also says you aren't supposed to plant two different kinds of crops in your field, wear two different kind of fabrics (you cotton/polyester blends are headed straight to hell), that you can sell you daughter into slavery but only to a neighboring country...these things AND MANY MANY more are all in the same book (in fact only a couple of passages away) that talks about men sleeping with men (which BTW in a later post I will explain why this is in the Bible at all.) Also Jesus Christ, you know the guy the word Christian comes from, says NOTHING about homosexuality. You know what he does talk about A LOT...Love and Compassion. This is what happens when you work at a thinking church.

Hilary Rosen on Anderson Cooper 360 sums it up, "First the glibness, that, well it's just a bunch of gays being unhappy that people don't agree with them, is wrong. You know, (at) one time the Bible was used to justify slavery. If this was a preacher, out there, using more weapons against African-Americans we wouldn't even be having this conversation, so second of all, the fact that we're even having a conversation, means that this is a mistake in choice. This is a day when people are to be brought together. There are hundreds of preachers across the country with stature and thoughtfulness and other ways to bring this country together on an inauguration day for the new president. That's the choice he should have made."

If Obama really wants to be inclusive he ought to think about having an interfaith service. Allow a Muslim or Jew give the invocation.

Obama you get a D-.
Choose again.
You don't get an F because I think your heart was in the right place and Warren has done good work with AIDS.

Elf'd

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Facebook ugh!

Open letter to my Facebook "friends."

Dear Facebook Friends,

I understand that you just figured out the internets and your world is a fresh new playground. It has been, until now, a mythical beast only smart people and city folks understood; that just by plugging your Commodore 64 into the wall you can see live video of animals in Africa...you know, the other place besides the zoo that has elephants.

I also understand how this whole spying reconnecting with old friends you haven't seen in 15 years is addicting and fun. I myself am guilty of searching out old high school chums just to see how wrinkled their faces have become.

BUT for the love of all that is holy and good...

#1. ...don't send me anymore virtual holiday treats, this means Christmas cupcakes, cookies, candy canes, etc. I don't want to put them in my virtual gingerbread house. And anyway I'm virtually fat, so I don't need them cause then I would have to go to a virtual gym and virtual sweat to lose those virtual calories. I would probably fall off the virtual tread mill (cause in virtual world I can run) and then a virtual ambulance with a really hot virtual EMT (cause if its virtual why not make it a hot EMT) would have to come take me to the virtual hospital and I might fall in love with said virtual EMT and then I would have to get a virtual divorce and split up my virtual house and all my virtual money (cause virtually I am rich) only to have the virtual EMT break it off after only 3 virtual months, leaving me virtually alone...ugh! See all the virtual work you cause....oh wait I have a secret for you, none of it is real. (Oh my, I typed virtual so much that now it doesn't look like a real word...would that make it a virtual word?)

#2 ...don't hit me with some stupid Facebook snowball. I'm not hitting you back, I'm just going to ignore it and roll my eyes. I don't like real snowball fights, why the hell would I like a fake one. In case you skipped #1...they're not real.

#3 ...PLEASE don't send me a poinsettia plant, a lily, a Cattleya Orchid, a Purple Chrysanthemum, a weird little Strawberry Shortcake rip off named Cali Pop or Holy Shiitaki or Peachy Keen or Patty Plum or Rocco Lee. None of it.

#4 ...do not under any circumstance send me invitations to join your ridiculous groups. I do not want to be a member of "1,000,000 Terrible Towel Wavers," "The Evil Overlords Handbook," "The Gregorious Music Roundtable," "I am a Minion of the Noodles Empire"....I could go on and on.

#4a ...really DO NOT ask me to join any group that has to do with some religious self-righteous bullshit. I like what I have going for spirituality so keep your hocus pocus to yourself. This means you, you Put Christ back is Christmas-ers and you One Body of Christ Experiment (all Christians on Facebook)-ers, even you I'M NOTHING WITHOUT GOD-ers and especially you Christian Girls are more beautiful because-ers. No more!

#4b ...keep 80% of your causes to yourself. There are valid causes on here but come on "Hip-Hop Is Not Dead," "Who gives a SHIT about Paris Hilton!!!," or "PROUD TO BE ALBANIAN"...really? These are causes?

#5 ...send me an email. Do not write 3 pages of what and who you have been doing on my wall. In case you don't know (which I know some don't) it is called a Wall because EVERYONE can read it...like graffiti. So if you are "blah, blah, blah I have hemmeroids blah, blah blah" on my wall, guess what you just informed my 200+ friends that you have masses of tissues present in your anal canal. Gross. (That is just an example cause to be honest I don't want to know if you have hemmeroids on my wall or in an email. Keep you anal canal to yourself.)

#6. ...please hyphenate your married name. See this is what happens, you friend me, I look at Jane Smith who only has a picture of her car and think, "Who the hell is Jane Smith?" You see her name used to be Jane Jones and if she had hyphenated her name Jane Jones-Smith I might have known who is the proud owner of a 1990 Geo Metro and then promptly ignored her friend request...really, who still has a 1990 Geo Metro. Also, even if you have a current picture, try to find an old one to post too because time has not been kind to your face and I think, "Who's grandmother wants to be my friend?"

Sincerely,
Larry

Wolverine

I can't WAIT to see this.

“X-Men Origins: Wolverine” HD Trailer

12 Days of Christmas

This might be the best version of 12 Days of Christmas. I love these guys!



Which is a bit different from this...the near to gayest thing ever.



Gotta love men that can sing, eh?

C:/2009

I just created and saved something in my first 2009 folder. It makes me a little happy when I start the new year folder. It looks all fresh and new, all ready for things to happen.

Office Forecast

48.2°

Honestly. These big ass windows are awesome for light but suck for just about everything else a window is supposed to do. They are about 2 cm thick (some have little holes in them) and over 100 years old. And because they are so old there isn't anything we can do without grants and stain glass restorer people...so I just freeze. Oh well I can leave my food and drink in here and it stays cold.

Oh BTW the converse is also true...in the summer it has been 89°.

Carol of the Bells

So you better see these before I have to take them down (and get divorced.) The first one is my AWESOME hubby doing interpretive dance to Carol of the Bells (his favorite Christmas Mithras Song.) And so he doesn't feel lonely, the second is him and our friend Leah doing more interpretive dance to the Linus and Lucy song. Yes they are a little drunk.

BTW this is why I love him, he isn't just putting on a drunken show...he does this kind of thing ALL the time. Aren't I lucky (honestly.)

EVERY TIME I watch these I laugh.



At about :18 in this one we get a great Saturday Night Fever kind of dancy thing.

Guess We're Not Greeted as Liberators

So the Bush was at a press conference in Iraq and an Iraqi news reporter “with size ten shoes” hucks them at him! This ain't no little toss either...he fast balls the shoes right at his head.



"President George W. Bush ducked two shoes thrown at him by a man during a press conference in the Iraqi prime minister’s office to mark the signing of a security agreement. Bush wasn’t hit by the shoes, which both sailed over his head after they were thrown one after the other. The president shrugged and said “I’m OK” after the incident in Baghdad today. “All I can report is it is a size 10,” Bush said afterwards. In Arab culture, throwing shoes is a grave show of disrespect. “This is the farewell kiss, you dog,” the man shouted in Arabic. The shoe-thrower, who was in a group of journalists, was wrestled to the ground and taken away. “This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq,” shouted the man, later identified by the Associated Press as Muntadar al-Zeidi, a correspondent for Al-Baghdadia television, an Iraqi- owned station based in Cairo, Egypt." Bloomberg

“The shoe represents the lowest part of the body and displaying or throwing a shoe at someone or something in Arab cultures denotes that the person or thing is "beneath them." Showing the bottom of one's feet or shoes (for example, putting one's feet up on a table or desk) in Arab cultures is considered an extreme insult. Examples include Iraqi citizens smacking torn-down posters of Saddam Hussein with their shoes, and the depiction of President Bush on a tile mosaic of the floor of the Al-Rashid Hotel’s lobby, forcing all visitors entering the hotel to walk on Bush's face to enter the hotel.” Wikipedia

She is so situated

I love Katina.

Oh yeah...

...more of the same. Wow.

Oh hell...

...nothing else just oh hell.

At least I didn't get these

Yes these are even crappier than my gift...seat cushions circa 1984. Good thing this little exchange is anonymous cause I think whoever brought these should be severely beaten with them. Also who the hell keeps this kind of thing for so long?

White Elephant Suckage

So I'm currently at my work Xmas party and as usual I get stuck with white elephant suckage. I might actually read these but come on with the crappy white elephant gifts...one year I got a fucking purse! These candles are about to make me barf they smell so bad. Btw I love blogging from my phone. Oh double BTW I've had like 4 glasses of wine...yes I am THAT guy.

Merry Mithras

Christmas Gripe #1
If one more of my Facebook lunatic "friends" (and by "friends" I mean these people who I went to high school with SIXTEEN (holy shit I'm old) years ago) invites me to join the group "put Christ back into Christmas" I might lose my shit. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I work at a church so I get the Christy-ness of Christmas but come on people who gives a shit. Jesus wasn't born on the 25th (sorry...darn you science and history.)

You know who was born on the 25th, Mithras, the Persian god of light. In a nutshell; way back in the olden times Constantine the Great after some vision or really drunken night had a vision about a cross and light. In order to unify his empire he did what Christianity has done a LOT...he blended some of the pagan traditions (halos are another one...angels too I think) with the Christian ones and tada we have Jesus' birthday on the 25th. So today's Christmas is such a giant amalgamation of this and that...lights, trees, angels, fruitcakes...that you do what you want and leave me alone.
Some other interesting Mithras facts:
Mithra was born of a virgin on December 25th in a cave.
Mithra’s followers were promised immortality.
As the "great bull of the Sun," Mithra sacrificed himself for world peace.

Since I do work at a church I should also say that I think there are rituals and traditions that work for people and that can have some relevance if you take the time to practice. Advent: waiting, slowing, thoughtfulness for example. I'm not ragging on Christians or Christmas I am ragging on "Christians" that think they own December have a monopoly on the season.

Mithras Gripe #2
This all leads me to my second Mithras gripe...who gives a shit if someone wishes you Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Merry Mithras. This whole thing is just stupid. I get that we need to be sensitive to other's beliefs but come on, when I wish someone a Merry Christmas I'm not trying to convert them to Christianity (I mean I'm barely Christian myself.) And if you are offended you need to get a life. These greetings usually come from a really good place...someone is happy and enjoying the season and they want to wish you the same. These are more like "have a nice day" than "join me in worshiping the one true god" **rolls eyes** If someone wishes you a Happy Holiday or Hanukkah or Kwanza the appropriate response is "THANK YOU!" and if you want, then wish them something in return. I think all this effort and angst over Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas is a giant waste of energy. Don't you really think that there are better things to worry about? And BTW if there is a God, do you think he/she/it gives a flying fuck....or would he/she/it be happy that for once we humans are being nice to each other

Postscript: I think that from now on I will be wishing everyone a Merry Mithras, cause it sounds kinda gay....like a queen with a severe speech impediment.

Mmmmm...Shredded Tweet

This is pretty funny, but I guarantee I would kill someone if they did it to me.
The video has some NSFW language so turn it down a little.

Oh, You Little Gaywads

Oh now I know why they wear those chastity rings or virgin belts or whatever they're called.

Fleshin' Out Details

So this may be a regular kind of blog post cause I hear this stuff so frequently.

I LOVE (and I really mean love, like passionately love) when people mess up clichés or sayings. I've heard 3, yes THREE today so far. Immediately I grin and grin big. And the most fantastic thing is today's pleasantries all come from the same person. That person is a fountain of fabulous fuck ups.

These aren't even the really good ones...those I will save for future posts, so stay tuned. The answers will be at the bottom of the post for those of you who might not see anything wrong with these.

1. "Blah, blah, blah, lets just play it by year."
I haven't heard this gem before, so of course, just to be sure that I heard the correct mistake (or to be a complete bitch), "What? Play it by, what?"
"Lets just play it by year."
"Oh ok."
GRIN
Now lets think about that, what exactly would playing it by year really mean? Yeah I can't even fathom what that would look like.

2. "Well you know in this day IN age blah blah blah."
This is another that I haven't been lucky enough to hear and again after clarifying exactly what was said, GRIN.

3. "Well let me just flesh out the details."
GRIN
You go right ahead and flesh those details out. I've fleshed a few details out in my day too. After a couple of shots of tequila I usually flesh out all sorts of details.
GRIN

UPDATE: So Kate is a busy body know it all and has found on the internets that Flesh it out may actually be ok...I would like to submit that according to my sources the origin is Flush it Out...so there. Discuss.

Turn your computer upside down for the answers.
˙ɹɐǝ ʎq ʇı ʎɐld ˙⇂
˙ǝƃɐ puɐ ʎɐp sıɥʇ uı ˙ᄅ
˙slıɐʇǝp ǝɥʇ ʇno ɥsnlɟ ˙ᄐ

This is wrong, but

will someone please buy me any or all of these tee-shirts?

How much do I love John Stewart?

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

From now on...

...please refer to me as Super Amazing Tiger Boy.

One more test

Coldplay

I'm the Beaver

My lovely husband found this birthday calulator thing (he swears he is working...uh huh) with all sorts of useful or less information about your birthday...fun.

I am...
34 years old.
416 months old.
1,806 weeks old.
12,645 days old.
303,494 hours old.
18,209,694 minutes old.
1,092,581,686 seconds old.
Which in dog years is 4.94911937377691.

Lucky for me Fridays are my luck day woo hoo!

At my next birthday I will have 35 candles on my cake and it will produce 35 BTUs,or 8,820 calories of heat (that's only 8.8200 food Calories!)

My birth tree (what?) is Walnut Tree, the Passion: Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises (what I compromise!)

My Native American Zodiac sign is Beaver (EWW); my plant is Wild Clover.

Now thats odd...

Ok, so I'm not a big fetish kinda guy. I like looking at the occasional tattoo, even the excessive tattoo, a jockstrap, sure, and these things hardly qualify as fetish anyway. Truth be told I'm a bit of a prude. So when I happened to stumble on these I gasped...then giggled. They come from www.prettypervy.com/category/gallery/ which can be a bit NSFW. Its a latex fetish thing that I don't understand at all (not judging, just not getting.) I appreciate these more as artwork...I'm certain these things are WAY expensive. Here are my favorites...hmmm picture Chris in them.....now that's funny.

Some additional thoughts:
1. How much baby powder do you need to fit into these things?
2. Is there a fan that keeps it constantly inflated...like one of those lawn ornaments? Or do they have one of those blow up things like on pool floaties? AND more importantly who is blowing you up?
3. What happens when they deflate? That is one saggy pig. (Those teats are a bit disturbing BTW.)
4. Do you enter 200 lbs and leav 96.4 lbs?
5. Is this a new age Native American sweat lodge?
6. I'm oddly attracted to "the Hornet."
7. Are those working gas masks? "In the event of a bio-terrorist event please outfit yourself in your shamu latex suit and proceed to the nearest exit." If I saw these three things running for the exit I would definitely not feel ok.
8. Do they squeak?

Who are you?

So today is the national Day without a Gay and I'm struggling with whether to head to work or not. I have a ton of work to do (being Christmas and all) and the church is very gay friendly. What statement do I make and who hears it if I take the day. The only person that is really effected is me, sometimes the church does more to support gay rights than I do....hmmm. I suppose I'll head in and talk to the bosses and see what they think.

The real reason I am writing today is because I have a friend who just might be an idiot. (And saying that raises all sorts of questions about who is going to read this and what kind of bridges I might burn.) This is the second showing of her "true self." 

This is probably less about her and more about who I thought she was and how disappointed that she isn't the strong woman I like to surround myself with (hey hey K & K.) The first time that she made me think, "what?!?" was when she said that she thought "women belonged at home taking care of the family and my husband should take care of me. That's just how I was raised." (and if I allow myself I will ramble about how annoying it is when people hide behind the statement "That's just how I was raised" to justify their bigotry, stupidity, hate, etc. etc....but I won't.)

Last night she said something that offended me even more.

"You're not doing that gay thing tomorrow are you?"  

What I should have said was, "Oh you mean protest the fact that as a more stable gay couple we have less rights then the craziness you like to call a relationship."

What I did say was, "By gay thing you me a Day without a Gay?"

"Yeah that."

"Not sure yet, I might."

"Ugh, I hate people like you. Go ahead hurt the economy more. You're not doing anyone any good. I think it's dumb," she says as she rolls her eyes.

***Ok at this point I think what the hell are you talking about the economy, Ms. Miss the Point (or should that be Miss The Point...oooh her fun new drag name.) If I take the day it will be a sick day as will most gays...and probably (if I know my gays) go buy something.***

I ask her, "You're part of a union, right?" 

"Yes"

"If the union, say took away your vacation days and decided to strike, would you continue to work?" 

"Well no I wouldn't work."

"So why don't you think of this as a Gay Strike, except that instead of vacation we are actually protesting not having the same rights as you."

"Well whatever," she says dismissively. Which was probably a good thing cause the Larry crazy train was gearing up to run her ass over.

She doesn't get it and my feelings are a little hurt because her statement says as much about how she sees Chris & I's relationship as it does about her own ignorance.

 

That was a fun little rant...I might like this blogging thing. 

Well I have to get ready to go to work (and come home shortly there after.)

Not Sure Yet

So this is my blog. I'm writing here until I can come up with a domain name and get my own wordpress blog set-up (like boardingpasses.org.) I'll eventually copy all this to the new place.