Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Worktrippin
I'm currently driving through Wyoming on the way to Flathead Lake,
Montana. I'll be working with 45 high school kids. I am eavesdropping
on two of them go from discussing the digestive system of songbirds
and geese to the stationary front that must be causing all the rain.
Kids are weird. One of them asked me after the song Ghostbusters if
it was from a movie or just a song. Oh so sad. Yup I am an old bitch
she was born in the mid 90s.
Montana. I'll be working with 45 high school kids. I am eavesdropping
on two of them go from discussing the digestive system of songbirds
and geese to the stationary front that must be causing all the rain.
Kids are weird. One of them asked me after the song Ghostbusters if
it was from a movie or just a song. Oh so sad. Yup I am an old bitch
she was born in the mid 90s.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Overheard
At my house after the Stanley Cup
Chris: They should stop kissing the cup and start kissing each other.
Chris: They should stop kissing the cup and start kissing each other.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Gay is OK
While I iron my clothes in the morning I am stuck watching that fucking sorry excuse for a CBS morning show, The Early Show (the TV in our "ironing room" isn't digitally ready and it only picks up CBS so I'm stuck watching this shit and Rachel Ray.) Their obnoxious "witty banter" inspired this open letter.
Open letter to the CBS fucktards and any other "News-y" people.
Dear Fucktards
Adam Lambert is gay. Whoop-di-do. Duh. As Kate would say if you "lived in the world" you already knew. (However for some reason my mother says she had no idea. She gets a pass, she barely lives in the world...she lives in Wyoming.)
I am really fucking tired of hearing you people say things like, "Why is this news?" I tend to agree, it shouldn't be news, there are far more important things going on in the world.
What is really chapping my hide is that you sit there on TV and pat yourselves on the back thinking you are some grand champion of the gay. You think that you are liberal and smart and progressive because you think the gayness of Lambert is not important. I have news for you, you're not liberal and smart and progressive, you're lame.
While Lambert's coming out is not news it is important.
Here is why:
• Every day some kid is socked in the mouth, beaten up or far worse, just because he or she sucks dick or munches beav. Not occasionally but EVERY DAY. Every day some kid feels like it would be easier to swallow 40 pills than have to hear some bully call him a faggot one more time. It is important because it shows them that they are not alone. It is important because it shows the bigots and the bullies that we are everywhere (and, God forbid, they might have voted for one.)
• There are kids who are terrified of coming out. Terrified of what their friends will say, of what their parents will do. It helps to have multiple faces of gayness in the world for them to see. I am friends with a high school "baby gay" who is tormented and depressed because no one has ever said to him that being gay is ok. I spent 4 hours listening to him (I'll write about that later) tell me about the feelings he has and not know what to do about it or even if it was ok. When you're straight you are constantly shown what to do with your feelings, you see couples kiss or hold hands, you see them with their kids and are invited to their weddings. As a gay, you rarely see public affection and as far as families or marriage, its still illegal in most places (I have hope and it is getting much better.) Adam Lambert coming out helps to say, "It is OK to be gay."
• I know first hand what being a confused little gayling is like. I didn't come out until I was 30. My first boyfriend of 7 years was just "my roommate." I grew up in the 80's. There weren't many gays on TV. I mean I danced with Wham and Boy George but they weren't gay, they were eccentric. I thought in the 7th grade that because I had feelings for boys I was going to get "the gay disease"...AIDS. Like the gay gene spontaneously generated AIDS with the onset of puberty. You should know that this was YEARS before I ever even french kissed anyone much less did anything that would expose me to HIV. I spent at least a year trying to figure out how to tell my parents that not only was I gay but I also had AIDS. I would have loved to have seen a young person come out and show me that it is ok.
So you should know, you lame ass news fucktards, that while Lambert's flamboyant faggotry isn't news, it is important (and you should start acting like it is.)
Yours truly,
Larry
Open letter to the CBS fucktards and any other "News-y" people.
Dear Fucktards
Adam Lambert is gay. Whoop-di-do. Duh. As Kate would say if you "lived in the world" you already knew. (However for some reason my mother says she had no idea. She gets a pass, she barely lives in the world...she lives in Wyoming.)
I am really fucking tired of hearing you people say things like, "Why is this news?" I tend to agree, it shouldn't be news, there are far more important things going on in the world.
What is really chapping my hide is that you sit there on TV and pat yourselves on the back thinking you are some grand champion of the gay. You think that you are liberal and smart and progressive because you think the gayness of Lambert is not important. I have news for you, you're not liberal and smart and progressive, you're lame.
While Lambert's coming out is not news it is important.
Here is why:
• Every day some kid is socked in the mouth, beaten up or far worse, just because he or she sucks dick or munches beav. Not occasionally but EVERY DAY. Every day some kid feels like it would be easier to swallow 40 pills than have to hear some bully call him a faggot one more time. It is important because it shows them that they are not alone. It is important because it shows the bigots and the bullies that we are everywhere (and, God forbid, they might have voted for one.)
• There are kids who are terrified of coming out. Terrified of what their friends will say, of what their parents will do. It helps to have multiple faces of gayness in the world for them to see. I am friends with a high school "baby gay" who is tormented and depressed because no one has ever said to him that being gay is ok. I spent 4 hours listening to him (I'll write about that later) tell me about the feelings he has and not know what to do about it or even if it was ok. When you're straight you are constantly shown what to do with your feelings, you see couples kiss or hold hands, you see them with their kids and are invited to their weddings. As a gay, you rarely see public affection and as far as families or marriage, its still illegal in most places (I have hope and it is getting much better.) Adam Lambert coming out helps to say, "It is OK to be gay."
• I know first hand what being a confused little gayling is like. I didn't come out until I was 30. My first boyfriend of 7 years was just "my roommate." I grew up in the 80's. There weren't many gays on TV. I mean I danced with Wham and Boy George but they weren't gay, they were eccentric. I thought in the 7th grade that because I had feelings for boys I was going to get "the gay disease"...AIDS. Like the gay gene spontaneously generated AIDS with the onset of puberty. You should know that this was YEARS before I ever even french kissed anyone much less did anything that would expose me to HIV. I spent at least a year trying to figure out how to tell my parents that not only was I gay but I also had AIDS. I would have loved to have seen a young person come out and show me that it is ok.
So you should know, you lame ass news fucktards, that while Lambert's flamboyant faggotry isn't news, it is important (and you should start acting like it is.)
Yours truly,
Larry
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Wish I Could See the Dress
I'm designing materials for an upcoming wedding and it may be the most ghetto thing I've come across. As they are to light the Unity Candle they wanted it to say, "We light the candle in membrence of....." Membrance? I corrected it, "Remembrance" and sent a proof only to have them insist I had it wrong and to put membrance back in.
Ok, its your wedding.
Ok, its your wedding.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Flippy Bouncy Sexy Beast
The guy is an amazing Flippy Bouncy Sexy Beast! He should be some new ninja super hero.
After the Credits
Another movie post...this site tells you if there is more movie after the credits. This makes me happy cause I usually have to pee.
Everything's Better When Everyone's Gay
This made me laugh...I really liked "ass-a-ma-doodles" and cork-"screw-ma-diggers"
I Gotta Pee
Someone has made this site just for me I am sure. I can barely make it through a movie without having to pee (might have something to do with the gigantic Diet Pepsi I always get) and now I can find out when the best time to sneak off to the toilet.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Brrrr
I am a bit fascinated by this blog."Welcome to the 21st century. In these times, a person who is isolated at the South Pole still can write and publish a blog that the whole world can read..."
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
There Are Zombies On My Law-awn
I kind of love this stupid little song for the game Plants vs. Zombies and it sticks in my head for the WHOLE day. Which means I sound a little ridiculous singing in public "There's a zombie on your law-awn, we don't want zombies on the lawn." I kind of want it on my iPhone. I bought the game and it is totally a fun little time waster.
Friday, May 1, 2009
The Summer of Nerd
Oh I am SO excited for this summer of movies. Wolverine, Harry Potter, Star Trek, Transformers, GI Joe, Terminator...no snooty, crappy indie theaters for me :) give me the big budget, big effects summer Eleganza Extravaganza! Can't wait to open my 12 year bottle of Klingon Bloodwine. Alex if you haven't seen these stop packing and watch!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Interviews part 4
• #7 really was annoying after I wrote the last post. I definately would have hit the "Shooter into the street" button. The Macbook REALLY messed with her, she kept asking me questions and I was like, "This isn't the Genius Bar, shit." Yeah she bugged.
• #8 is also kind of annoying. These to church ladies keep asking me questions and my head voice is saying, "Isn't that kind of cheating? This is your interview not mine."
• Shoot them both into the street.
• #8 is also kind of annoying. These to church ladies keep asking me questions and my head voice is saying, "Isn't that kind of cheating? This is your interview not mine."
• Shoot them both into the street.
Interviews part 3
So this is probably not interesting at all anymore (if it ever was) but I've started this and I am going to finish...so suck it.
Three more today...
• The 5th applicant was a guy. Looks to be about my age and may or may not be cute, couldn't decide. He was nice, wore a suit, I'm wearing shorts.
• Applicant #6 and #7 have fallen back into church lady-ish-ness.
• #6 wasn't very nice. I think my distraction test was distracting for her. I wish I had a button at my desk that I could push and they would fall through a trap door and get shot outside onto the lawn...that would be fun.
• #7 has a lot of crazy on her face. She was bit too much energy for me, which means that she has A LOT of annoying energy...you see I have a high energy threshold. AND she grabbed my fucking handshake before we touched web to web (between the pointer finger and thumb) WHICH MEANS that she ended up grabbing my 4 fingers WHICH MEANS I had a really weak ass queeny handshake...ugh!
As an adendum and side note....people when you hand shake please wait until the webs touch cause it only makes one person look like a prancing weak ass bitch if you grab too early.
Three more today...
• The 5th applicant was a guy. Looks to be about my age and may or may not be cute, couldn't decide. He was nice, wore a suit, I'm wearing shorts.
• Applicant #6 and #7 have fallen back into church lady-ish-ness.
• #6 wasn't very nice. I think my distraction test was distracting for her. I wish I had a button at my desk that I could push and they would fall through a trap door and get shot outside onto the lawn...that would be fun.
• #7 has a lot of crazy on her face. She was bit too much energy for me, which means that she has A LOT of annoying energy...you see I have a high energy threshold. AND she grabbed my fucking handshake before we touched web to web (between the pointer finger and thumb) WHICH MEANS that she ended up grabbing my 4 fingers WHICH MEANS I had a really weak ass queeny handshake...ugh!
As an adendum and side note....people when you hand shake please wait until the webs touch cause it only makes one person look like a prancing weak ass bitch if you grab too early.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Interviews Part 2
Ok more applicants...
• They're still smelling like old whores *ack*
• Third ones glasses were so think I didn't know if she had eyeballs or just little black holes in her head, kind a like the eyes of Charlie Brown. In fact now that I mention it she did look like an older Peppermint Patty.
• Fourth one wore nice dark denim jeans. That works for me. Shows she probably isn't an old church lady. We can work on her perfume later. *ack*
• They're still smelling like old whores *ack*
• Third ones glasses were so think I didn't know if she had eyeballs or just little black holes in her head, kind a like the eyes of Charlie Brown. In fact now that I mention it she did look like an older Peppermint Patty.
• Fourth one wore nice dark denim jeans. That works for me. Shows she probably isn't an old church lady. We can work on her perfume later. *ack*
Lock My Car
I "order" some new pens (cause I am a particular bitch with my pens...need to be 1.0 mm or I can't use them), computer cleaner and some cd labels from our Administrative Assistant (yes one of the two Wonder Twins of stupidity.) She goes and gets the shit then forgets it all in her car so I volunteer to go get it.
"Here is my key and you'll need to push this button right here to unlock the car"
My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like an unlocked lock?"
"And after you close it make sure you lock it and to do that push this button twice and be sure it locks."
My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like a locked lock? Look, I know how to work a fucking auto car lock, I have one on my car and BTW this isn't a new invention. Just because this is the first car you've bought since the invention of the color TV doesn't make it new. "
"Oh and make sure you hear the horn honk cause that means it worked."
My head voice, "No shit."
My outside voice, "Will do."
"Here is my key and you'll need to push this button right here to unlock the car"
My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like an unlocked lock?"
"And after you close it make sure you lock it and to do that push this button twice and be sure it locks."
My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like a locked lock? Look, I know how to work a fucking auto car lock, I have one on my car and BTW this isn't a new invention. Just because this is the first car you've bought since the invention of the color TV doesn't make it new. "
"Oh and make sure you hear the horn honk cause that means it worked."
My head voice, "No shit."
My outside voice, "Will do."
The Duel
My pusher husband has got me addicted to yet another pointless reality show...MTV's The Deul 2. Let me get this out of the way first...I might be a little or maybe a lot in love with Landon *sigh*There might be spoilers here so if you want to watch the show look away now.
I kind of love this stupid show and for once there are two gay men (Davis and Ryan) on the show. There are always lesbos or women who are kinda straight but I can't remember two gay men. Of course, as gay men do, they hook up on the first night (or editting makes it look like it anyway.) This also makes me a little happy because these guys are making out in the hot tub and MTV shows a lot of it. I was a little surprised and pleased to think that MTV is not shying away from showing two men get it on.
Well I think now that it was stunt-y and it kind of pisses me off...like the producers were "show the gays so people get shocked." I say this because Ryan got booted on the 3rd (I think) episode and he says something like he is trying not to cry by leaving Davis. But wait...after the first kissing episode you never saw the two of them in the same shot, not talking or interacting in any way.
Now I get that it is TV and they want ratings and gay men are actually a little like that in reality and that you could argue that exposure continues to move the country towards acceptance BUT I feel a little used.
Interviews
More work stuff...
We're hiring and I would never want the job but apparently several people do. When I heard about the interviews for today and tomorrow I started plotting ways I could sneak around and see the applicants (I am a nosey bitch.) Well as luck would have it the applicants have to do an online test AND since I am the only person on the staff who has any sort of techy brain they put the applicants outside my office to take the test....yay! Poor things are also taking the test on a cute little Macbook, which confuses the fuck out of them.
This is the "live blog" of my first impressions.
• So far there have been two women, both looking like little old church ladies...ugh.
• What is it with little old church ladies bathing in old women perfume. *gag* Ahhh that shit is burning my lasik!
• The first lady looked, sounded and smelled like she smokes 2 packs a day and falls asleep with a bottle of Jack in her lap. At least she was nice and could be fun at the Christmas party
• The second lady looked like she hasn't had sex in 25 years and kind of behaved that way too. She wasn't as nice and acted like she was already my boss, which BTW this person is NOT going to be my boss...she better step off. She looks like she might hate me. It's probably because I'm a young 35, a happy little gay, am wearing shorts and blaring Poker Face while she is trying to do her test. See little do they all know, I've planned my own tests (bwahhhahahaha)...these bitches need to be able to multi-task so I am being a little more distracting than usually (bwahahahahah).
More to come....
We're hiring and I would never want the job but apparently several people do. When I heard about the interviews for today and tomorrow I started plotting ways I could sneak around and see the applicants (I am a nosey bitch.) Well as luck would have it the applicants have to do an online test AND since I am the only person on the staff who has any sort of techy brain they put the applicants outside my office to take the test....yay! Poor things are also taking the test on a cute little Macbook, which confuses the fuck out of them.
This is the "live blog" of my first impressions.
• So far there have been two women, both looking like little old church ladies...ugh.
• What is it with little old church ladies bathing in old women perfume. *gag* Ahhh that shit is burning my lasik!
• The first lady looked, sounded and smelled like she smokes 2 packs a day and falls asleep with a bottle of Jack in her lap. At least she was nice and could be fun at the Christmas party
• The second lady looked like she hasn't had sex in 25 years and kind of behaved that way too. She wasn't as nice and acted like she was already my boss, which BTW this person is NOT going to be my boss...she better step off. She looks like she might hate me. It's probably because I'm a young 35, a happy little gay, am wearing shorts and blaring Poker Face while she is trying to do her test. See little do they all know, I've planned my own tests (bwahhhahahaha)...these bitches need to be able to multi-task so I am being a little more distracting than usually (bwahahahahah).
More to come....
Monday, April 27, 2009
Assist this!
So I haven’t yet really bitched about a couple of my coworkers but today is the day I start. I work with two of the possibly most useless administrative "assistants"...and I use assistant loosely. They are sweet people but 91% (yes 91%) of the time I want to beat them with the cremains of Marion. Chris wants to fire them and gets all HR-ey wondering why such incompetence is tolerated but working in a church is a whole different working culture. This will probably be a regular post because sometimes I think their job is just to annoy the shit out of me.
Anyway, the last Monday of the month I mail out 1000 or so 20 page newsletters and have a large group of volunteers (20 old folks who run my ass off, "This water isn’t hot enough," "Where is the Earl Grey tea?" and on and on) that collate and label them before I bundle, bag and deliver to the bulk mail facility (which by the way is a mild form of torture...I hate this shit.) So on top of a really horrible task, these two seem to always ratchet up their ineptitude come mailing day, like the Wonder Twins of stupidity.
Since it is a MAILING I obviously need the MAILING labels and they always seem to forget or not hear me and more often than not, just fuck it up. One month its printed on paper, the next its on the back of the label sheet (which confuses the fuck out of my old people) and once it was on sheets of labels that were missing random labels out of the sheet (how the fuck does that even happen.)
Today I get the labels and immediately look at them and think, "What the fuck? Not again!" My labels, like 100 sheets, are printed gigantically. I mean that the font size is probably around 16 pt. That isn’t normally outrageous but we are talking about little fucking mailing labels. So three quarters of the name, address and city, state and zip are on one label and finishes off on the one next to it AND only the name and address really fit vertically on the label and the city state and zip are on the label below it. Basically, like the assistants, they are worthless.
I bring them back and want to scream and rant but nicely say, "Hey guys, these aren’t going to work."
They look and one says, "Well look at that, how did that happen?"
Really? I think, it happened because you printed it that way...AGAIN.
So for the fourth month in a row I show them that they have control over the point size and I gently encourage them to look at the fucking screen before sending them to the printer and wasting all those labels. AND if they do fuck up how about you look at the fucking stack of labels BEFORE sending them down to me to use. I’ve tried to get them to let me mess with the management software to see if I can change the default but they giggle and say they will remember how to do it.
I am not a complete asshole and these things don’t really annoy me, but when it continues to happen month after month and they pretend like there is some computer gremlin that is out to get them, I want to flip out!
Breath. Donut. Breath. Better now.
Anyway, the last Monday of the month I mail out 1000 or so 20 page newsletters and have a large group of volunteers (20 old folks who run my ass off, "This water isn’t hot enough," "Where is the Earl Grey tea?" and on and on) that collate and label them before I bundle, bag and deliver to the bulk mail facility (which by the way is a mild form of torture...I hate this shit.) So on top of a really horrible task, these two seem to always ratchet up their ineptitude come mailing day, like the Wonder Twins of stupidity.
Since it is a MAILING I obviously need the MAILING labels and they always seem to forget or not hear me and more often than not, just fuck it up. One month its printed on paper, the next its on the back of the label sheet (which confuses the fuck out of my old people) and once it was on sheets of labels that were missing random labels out of the sheet (how the fuck does that even happen.)
Today I get the labels and immediately look at them and think, "What the fuck? Not again!" My labels, like 100 sheets, are printed gigantically. I mean that the font size is probably around 16 pt. That isn’t normally outrageous but we are talking about little fucking mailing labels. So three quarters of the name, address and city, state and zip are on one label and finishes off on the one next to it AND only the name and address really fit vertically on the label and the city state and zip are on the label below it. Basically, like the assistants, they are worthless.
I bring them back and want to scream and rant but nicely say, "Hey guys, these aren’t going to work."
They look and one says, "Well look at that, how did that happen?"
Really? I think, it happened because you printed it that way...AGAIN.
So for the fourth month in a row I show them that they have control over the point size and I gently encourage them to look at the fucking screen before sending them to the printer and wasting all those labels. AND if they do fuck up how about you look at the fucking stack of labels BEFORE sending them down to me to use. I’ve tried to get them to let me mess with the management software to see if I can change the default but they giggle and say they will remember how to do it.
I am not a complete asshole and these things don’t really annoy me, but when it continues to happen month after month and they pretend like there is some computer gremlin that is out to get them, I want to flip out!
Breath. Donut. Breath. Better now.
Damn you unsalted snack foods!
I bought fucking almonds today hoping for yummy delicious saltedness and accidentally bought the unsalted ones..damn!
I promise to post more frequently.
I promise to post more frequently.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
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