Lucky's Funeral

This is too cute. I love that Dad tosses Mom under the bus a few times.

Womanizer Sign Language

Who knew sign language could be so cute?

Why Terminators Transport Naked

Funny.

Things That Go Bump in the Night

I love owning a house and I think it's a cute little house. Sure it's not exactly what we wanted but for a first home, I'm not sure we could have landed in a better place (and we got an amazing deal.) This September we will have been in the house for 2 years.

Before the house, for 10 years, I hadn't lived in places with multiple entry points. 

I usually lived in an apartment off of the ground floor and was never worried about the possibility of someone breaking in through a window or screen door. For the first 6 months I would wake up nearly every night certain that someone was rummaging though our house stealing shit. I'd sit straight up, listen and eventually sneak downstairs in my underwear wielding a bat. This routine drove Chris a little crazy; 1. he is easily scared and gets WAY freaked out when I bolt upright in bed and 2. he is such a bitch when he doesn't get a full night's rest. 

The second 6 months saw my nightly undie patrols move from every night to once every two or three days. From there I've heard noises less and less and now I jump up maybe once a month or so.

Last night Chris bolted upright, certain he heard some noise. He never does this so of course it freaks me out a bit. He says he heard something that sounds like if you "were in an empty, unfinished basement and someone has a metal tin filled with water and then someone has a drumstick and is tapping the tin every 5 seconds." What? WTF is that? How in the hell did he come up with that shit? And every 5 seconds? Really?

Then he says, "I think it was coming from outside, like the noise was filling the whole neighborhood." What?!? WTF? My husband has lost his mind. BUT since I'm a bit loony myself I get a little X-Files scared....Alien invasion? Secret government testing? A serial killer with a drumstick and washtub? Zombies? (cause doesn't everything really lead to zombies) 

I stayed awake until I heard him breathing heavy and then eventually fell asleep. This morning I think I know what happened. My husband is a 5 year old and is not allowed to play, watch or read anything scary before bed. He played Dead Space and dreamt of space zombies, he read World War Z and dreamt of neighbor zombies, watched 2 Weeks Later and dreamt of European zombies (see it all comes back to zombies.) Right now he is reading the Watchmen comic, so my theory is that he had some bizarre Rorschachian dream (sorry no zombies) and woke up thinking it was real. He is probably gonna refute my theory but I'm pretty sure I'm right. 

Oh well, he sleeps weird but I'm lucky to share a house and a life with him.

Old Maids

Who knew that the unpopped popcorn kernels were called Old Maids? I thought I was the only one who loved to eat these.

I Care Damnit!

I have an addiction.

I am addicted to the reusable cloth bags you can buy from the grocery store. Sure I feel all green and snotty when I pullout my fancy bag when asked if I want paper or plastic, but truth be told I just love these damn bags. We own like 15 and I have some everywhere, in my car, in my scooter, in my backpack. They're like between 79¢ and 99¢, so if I forget mine, I just buy a new one AND they work way better than the other bags.

Last night on our way to Kate and Alex's for HIMYM episodes we stopped to get big salads at Whole Foods (I love me a big veggie salad.) In the checkout line, of course I forgot my bag and of course they have a bunch there for sale. Then my eyes happen upon one of the fanciest little bags I have yet seen. It is all burlap and earthy feeling, it folds and zips into a perfect little clutchy/purse looking thing. As I hastily grab one I see out of the corner of my eye that the purchase will feed people in Rwanda. PERFECT!

The checker scans my little bag and then asks me, "You know what this bag is about right?"

"Yeah," I say, "it feeds people."

"It will feed 100 people in Rwanda," he says.

In my head I first think, "Awesome." Then I think, "Wait, how does my 79¢ bag feed 100 people. I mean I've been to Uganda and yes things are cheap but you can't feed 100 people on 79¢. Oh no, how much is it?"

And I say, "How much is it?"

"$25"

And before the bag actually goes across the scanner I have this full conversation and fight with the people behind me...completely in my head.

"I shouldn't buy that, I don't have $25 for a bag. I mean I am so almost always broke. Wait, if I say I don't want it now the people behind me are going to think I am an asshole and that I don't care about hunger and poverty. Oh hell. Stop judging me people...I'm going to Africa in July! See I care! I'm gonna build a school. I honestly care. Fuck."

Bleep and my new bag goes across the scanner.

In the car I tell Chris the whole story, he laughs and says he could see the whole thing happening in my head. Oh well, it is a cool bag, it fits nicely in the scooter and hey, I fed 100 people last night.

Morning Wood

When I stumbled on this site I had to laugh out loud.

Oh the pain of waking up with a full bladder and the sail at full mast. Men know...it is nearly impossible to pee down when the hose is pointing up and most often we end up pissing all over the toilet, the wall, the cat, the floor, ourselves, the dog, a pretty plant given as a housewarming present (I kid).

I hope that one day I walk in on Chris like this.



Other creative solutions. Oh these might be a little NSFWish.

State of Porn

What a bunch of hypocrites, "Eight of the top 10 pornography consuming states gave their electoral votes to John McCain in last year's presidential election – Florida and Hawaii were the exceptions. While six out of the lowest 10 favoured Barack Obama. Residents of 27 states that passed laws banning gay marriages boasted 11% more porn subscribers than states that don't explicitly restrict gay marriage."

Full article.

Synthesize

This reminds me of the first synthesizer I ever got to play with as a kid. What does it mean that I like the V, B, N, and M keys?