Ghetto Names

So funny. I love Watermelondrea.

There Are Zombies On My Law-awn

I kind of love this stupid little song for the game Plants vs. Zombies and it sticks in my head for the WHOLE day. Which means I sound a little ridiculous singing in public "There's a zombie on your law-awn, we don't want zombies on the lawn." I kind of want it on my iPhone. I bought the game and it is totally a fun little time waster.

Cheeky Monkey

I love this stupid gibbon.

The Summer of Nerd

Oh I am SO excited for this summer of movies. Wolverine, Harry Potter, Star Trek, Transformers, GI Joe, Terminator...no snooty, crappy indie theaters for me :) give me the big budget, big effects summer Eleganza Extravaganza! Can't wait to open my 12 year bottle of Klingon Bloodwine. Alex if you haven't seen these stop packing and watch!

Interviews part 4

• #7 really was annoying after I wrote the last post. I definately would have hit the "Shooter into the street" button. The Macbook REALLY messed with her, she kept asking me questions and I was like, "This isn't the Genius Bar, shit." Yeah she bugged.
• #8 is also kind of annoying. These to church ladies keep asking me questions and my head voice is saying, "Isn't that kind of cheating? This is your interview not mine."
• Shoot them both into the street.

Interviews part 3

So this is probably not interesting at all anymore (if it ever was) but I've started this and I am going to finish...so suck it.

Three more today...

• The 5th applicant was a guy. Looks to be about my age and may or may not be cute, couldn't decide. He was nice, wore a suit, I'm wearing shorts.
• Applicant #6 and #7 have fallen back into church lady-ish-ness.
• #6 wasn't very nice. I think my distraction test was distracting for her. I wish I had a button at my desk that I could push and they would fall through a trap door and get shot outside onto the lawn...that would be fun.
• #7 has a lot of crazy on her face. She was bit too much energy for me, which means that she has A LOT of annoying energy...you see I have a high energy threshold. AND she grabbed my fucking handshake before we touched web to web (between the pointer finger and thumb) WHICH MEANS that she ended up grabbing my 4 fingers WHICH MEANS I had a really weak ass queeny handshake...ugh!

As an adendum and side note....people when you hand shake please wait until the webs touch cause it only makes one person look like a prancing weak ass bitch if you grab too early.

Interviews Part 2

Ok more applicants...

• They're still smelling like old whores *ack*
• Third ones glasses were so think I didn't know if she had eyeballs or just little black holes in her head, kind a like the eyes of Charlie Brown. In fact now that I mention it she did look like an older Peppermint Patty.
• Fourth one wore nice dark denim jeans. That works for me. Shows she probably isn't an old church lady. We can work on her perfume later. *ack*

Lock My Car

I "order" some new pens (cause I am a particular bitch with my pens...need to be 1.0 mm or I can't use them), computer cleaner and some cd labels from our Administrative Assistant (yes one of the two Wonder Twins of stupidity.) She goes and gets the shit then forgets it all in her car so I volunteer to go get it.

"Here is my key and you'll need to push this button right here to unlock the car"

My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like an unlocked lock?"

"And after you close it make sure you lock it and to do that push this button twice and be sure it locks."

My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like a locked lock? Look, I know how to work a fucking auto car lock, I have one on my car and BTW this isn't a new invention. Just because this is the first car you've bought since the invention of the color TV doesn't make it new. "

"Oh and make sure you hear the horn honk cause that means it worked."

My head voice, "No shit."

My outside voice, "Will do."

The Duel

My pusher husband has got me addicted to yet another pointless reality show...MTV's The Deul 2. Let me get this out of the way first...I might be a little or maybe a lot in love with Landon *sigh*

There might be spoilers here so if you want to watch the show look away now.
I kind of love this stupid show and for once there are two gay men (Davis and Ryan) on the show. There are always lesbos or women who are kinda straight but I can't remember two gay men. Of course, as gay men do, they hook up on the first night (or editting makes it look like it anyway.) This also makes me a little happy because these guys are making out in the hot tub and MTV shows a lot of it. I was a little surprised and pleased to think that MTV is not shying away from showing two men get it on.

Well I think now that it was stunt-y and it kind of pisses me off...like the producers were "show the gays so people get shocked." I say this because Ryan got booted on the 3rd (I think) episode and he says something like he is trying not to cry by leaving Davis. But wait...after the first kissing episode you never saw the two of them in the same shot, not talking or interacting in any way.

Now I get that it is TV and they want ratings and gay men are actually a little like that in reality and that you could argue that exposure continues to move the country towards acceptance BUT I feel a little used.

Interviews

More work stuff...

We're hiring and I would never want the job but apparently several people do. When I heard about the interviews for today and tomorrow I started plotting ways I could sneak around and see the applicants (I am a nosey bitch.) Well as luck would have it the applicants have to do an online test AND since I am the only person on the staff who has any sort of techy brain they put the applicants outside my office to take the test....yay! Poor things are also taking the test on a cute little Macbook, which confuses the fuck out of them.

This is the "live blog" of my first impressions.

• So far there have been two women, both looking like little old church ladies...ugh.

• What is it with little old church ladies bathing in old women perfume. *gag* Ahhh that shit is burning my lasik!

• The first lady looked, sounded and smelled like she smokes 2 packs a day and falls asleep with a bottle of Jack in her lap. At least she was nice and could be fun at the Christmas party

• The second lady looked like she hasn't had sex in 25 years and kind of behaved that way too. She wasn't as nice and acted like she was already my boss, which BTW this person is NOT going to be my boss...she better step off. She looks like she might hate me. It's probably because I'm a young 35, a happy little gay, am wearing shorts and blaring Poker Face while she is trying to do her test. See little do they all know, I've planned my own tests (bwahhhahahaha)...these bitches need to be able to multi-task so I am being a little more distracting than usually (bwahahahahah).

More to come....

What I Should Wear on Satyr-day

Hmmm...
1. How do I get a pair of these?
2. Where would I wear them?

Assist this!

So I haven’t yet really bitched about a couple of my coworkers but today is the day I start. I work with two of the possibly most useless administrative "assistants"...and I use assistant loosely. They are sweet people but 91% (yes 91%) of the time I want to beat them with the cremains of Marion. Chris wants to fire them and gets all HR-ey wondering why such incompetence is tolerated but working in a church is a whole different working culture. This will probably be a regular post because sometimes I think their job is just to annoy the shit out of me.

Anyway, the last Monday of the month I mail out 1000 or so 20 page newsletters and have a large group of volunteers (20 old folks who run my ass off, "This water isn’t hot enough," "Where is the Earl Grey tea?" and on and on) that collate and label them before I bundle, bag and deliver to the bulk mail facility (which by the way is a mild form of torture...I hate this shit.) So on top of a really horrible task, these two seem to always ratchet up their ineptitude come mailing day, like the Wonder Twins of stupidity.

Since it is a MAILING I obviously need the MAILING labels and they always seem to forget or not hear me and more often than not, just fuck it up. One month its printed on paper, the next its on the back of the label sheet (which confuses the fuck out of my old people) and once it was on sheets of labels that were missing random labels out of the sheet (how the fuck does that even happen.)

Today I get the labels and immediately look at them and think, "What the fuck? Not again!" My labels, like 100 sheets, are printed gigantically. I mean that the font size is probably around 16 pt. That isn’t normally outrageous but we are talking about little fucking mailing labels. So three quarters of the name, address and city, state and zip are on one label and finishes off on the one next to it AND only the name and address really fit vertically on the label and the city state and zip are on the label below it. Basically, like the assistants, they are worthless.

I bring them back and want to scream and rant but nicely say, "Hey guys, these aren’t going to work."

They look and one says, "Well look at that, how did that happen?"

Really? I think, it happened because you printed it that way...AGAIN.

So for the fourth month in a row I show them that they have control over the point size and I gently encourage them to look at the fucking screen before sending them to the printer and wasting all those labels. AND if they do fuck up how about you look at the fucking stack of labels BEFORE sending them down to me to use. I’ve tried to get them to let me mess with the management software to see if I can change the default but they giggle and say they will remember how to do it.

I am not a complete asshole and these things don’t really annoy me, but when it continues to happen month after month and they pretend like there is some computer gremlin that is out to get them, I want to flip out!

Breath. Donut. Breath. Better now.

Damn you unsalted snack foods!

I bought fucking almonds today hoping for yummy delicious saltedness and accidentally bought the unsalted ones..damn!

I promise to post more frequently.

Gay 101

I love the animation in this.

I Love My Friends

This is from Chris' birthday...dancing at Tracks.

Lucky's Funeral

This is too cute. I love that Dad tosses Mom under the bus a few times.

Womanizer Sign Language

Who knew sign language could be so cute?

Why Terminators Transport Naked

Funny.

Things That Go Bump in the Night

I love owning a house and I think it's a cute little house. Sure it's not exactly what we wanted but for a first home, I'm not sure we could have landed in a better place (and we got an amazing deal.) This September we will have been in the house for 2 years.

Before the house, for 10 years, I hadn't lived in places with multiple entry points. 

I usually lived in an apartment off of the ground floor and was never worried about the possibility of someone breaking in through a window or screen door. For the first 6 months I would wake up nearly every night certain that someone was rummaging though our house stealing shit. I'd sit straight up, listen and eventually sneak downstairs in my underwear wielding a bat. This routine drove Chris a little crazy; 1. he is easily scared and gets WAY freaked out when I bolt upright in bed and 2. he is such a bitch when he doesn't get a full night's rest. 

The second 6 months saw my nightly undie patrols move from every night to once every two or three days. From there I've heard noises less and less and now I jump up maybe once a month or so.

Last night Chris bolted upright, certain he heard some noise. He never does this so of course it freaks me out a bit. He says he heard something that sounds like if you "were in an empty, unfinished basement and someone has a metal tin filled with water and then someone has a drumstick and is tapping the tin every 5 seconds." What? WTF is that? How in the hell did he come up with that shit? And every 5 seconds? Really?

Then he says, "I think it was coming from outside, like the noise was filling the whole neighborhood." What?!? WTF? My husband has lost his mind. BUT since I'm a bit loony myself I get a little X-Files scared....Alien invasion? Secret government testing? A serial killer with a drumstick and washtub? Zombies? (cause doesn't everything really lead to zombies) 

I stayed awake until I heard him breathing heavy and then eventually fell asleep. This morning I think I know what happened. My husband is a 5 year old and is not allowed to play, watch or read anything scary before bed. He played Dead Space and dreamt of space zombies, he read World War Z and dreamt of neighbor zombies, watched 2 Weeks Later and dreamt of European zombies (see it all comes back to zombies.) Right now he is reading the Watchmen comic, so my theory is that he had some bizarre Rorschachian dream (sorry no zombies) and woke up thinking it was real. He is probably gonna refute my theory but I'm pretty sure I'm right. 

Oh well, he sleeps weird but I'm lucky to share a house and a life with him.

Old Maids

Who knew that the unpopped popcorn kernels were called Old Maids? I thought I was the only one who loved to eat these.

I Care Damnit!

I have an addiction.

I am addicted to the reusable cloth bags you can buy from the grocery store. Sure I feel all green and snotty when I pullout my fancy bag when asked if I want paper or plastic, but truth be told I just love these damn bags. We own like 15 and I have some everywhere, in my car, in my scooter, in my backpack. They're like between 79¢ and 99¢, so if I forget mine, I just buy a new one AND they work way better than the other bags.

Last night on our way to Kate and Alex's for HIMYM episodes we stopped to get big salads at Whole Foods (I love me a big veggie salad.) In the checkout line, of course I forgot my bag and of course they have a bunch there for sale. Then my eyes happen upon one of the fanciest little bags I have yet seen. It is all burlap and earthy feeling, it folds and zips into a perfect little clutchy/purse looking thing. As I hastily grab one I see out of the corner of my eye that the purchase will feed people in Rwanda. PERFECT!

The checker scans my little bag and then asks me, "You know what this bag is about right?"

"Yeah," I say, "it feeds people."

"It will feed 100 people in Rwanda," he says.

In my head I first think, "Awesome." Then I think, "Wait, how does my 79¢ bag feed 100 people. I mean I've been to Uganda and yes things are cheap but you can't feed 100 people on 79¢. Oh no, how much is it?"

And I say, "How much is it?"

"$25"

And before the bag actually goes across the scanner I have this full conversation and fight with the people behind me...completely in my head.

"I shouldn't buy that, I don't have $25 for a bag. I mean I am so almost always broke. Wait, if I say I don't want it now the people behind me are going to think I am an asshole and that I don't care about hunger and poverty. Oh hell. Stop judging me people...I'm going to Africa in July! See I care! I'm gonna build a school. I honestly care. Fuck."

Bleep and my new bag goes across the scanner.

In the car I tell Chris the whole story, he laughs and says he could see the whole thing happening in my head. Oh well, it is a cool bag, it fits nicely in the scooter and hey, I fed 100 people last night.

Morning Wood

When I stumbled on this site I had to laugh out loud.

Oh the pain of waking up with a full bladder and the sail at full mast. Men know...it is nearly impossible to pee down when the hose is pointing up and most often we end up pissing all over the toilet, the wall, the cat, the floor, ourselves, the dog, a pretty plant given as a housewarming present (I kid).

I hope that one day I walk in on Chris like this.



Other creative solutions. Oh these might be a little NSFWish.

State of Porn

What a bunch of hypocrites, "Eight of the top 10 pornography consuming states gave their electoral votes to John McCain in last year's presidential election – Florida and Hawaii were the exceptions. While six out of the lowest 10 favoured Barack Obama. Residents of 27 states that passed laws banning gay marriages boasted 11% more porn subscribers than states that don't explicitly restrict gay marriage."

Full article.

Synthesize

This reminds me of the first synthesizer I ever got to play with as a kid. What does it mean that I like the V, B, N, and M keys?

Facebook

"A sadness tinged with arousal."

Guantánamo

The Guantánamo Testimonials Project.

"The goals of this project are to gather testimonies of prisoner abuse in Guantánamo, to organize them in meaningful ways, to make them widely available online, and to preserve them there in perpetuity."

Incredible.

Irresponsible Uteruses...er Uteri? Uterususus?

While Chris and I are not currently mature enough to have kids we do talk about one day adopting. We also know that it's gonna cost us a chunk of change and assume there will be small battles to be allowed to even adopt. Then I see these wackos dropping kids outta their their vajajas and I want to scream. Maybe I have uteri envy who knows but I feel that it is irresponsible to bring so many kids into the world and not have the means to support and care for them. I don't care what Octo-pussy says, I feel that it is nearly impossible to care for 16 kids...especially when they are all under 8. Chris says we can't have kid but we end up supporting those ones anyways. 

Make your own superhero

Go here to make your own.

Memorial

Sorry I've been negligent in my posting. Its been a busy, emotionally draining week at work. There is a memorial this Saturday and I've had to meet almost everyday with the family to discuss memorial materials. Memorials are always tough for me, they make me sad, but this one is really hitting me in the gut. Their son died in a helicopter accident in (fucking) Iraq, he was 32 (and adorable.) When parents bury their children there are always a ton of tears and I have cried every time this week after they leave my office...ugh. I even teared up when designing the program with his picture and really nice poem.

I'm not really sure why this one is messing with my head more than others. I do at least one memorial a month. Maybe its because he was only 2 years younger than I am, maybe because he was cute, maybe because the parents are extra kind, maybe because the man cried first (something about seeing a dad cry that makes me extra sad,) maybe because he died in in a stupid war, maybe because you could see the pain on their faces....I don't know but I finish up today. They expect over 900 for the memorial, so I have quite a bit left to do and then I can let go.

Marion is Sitting On My Desk

Sometimes I have the strangest job.

A woman shows up at my door saying that she can't find anyone else in the building and then hands me a little vase, "Here is Marion, she is being interred later this week."

EEEEEK!

Really?!?!? Hey mortician/cremator lady, don't you think you ought to warn someone before you hand them a little jar of dead?!?! I certainly do! Marion almost became part of the carpet.

Marion is sitting on my desk. I've barely been ably to take my eyes off the jar. I'm officially gigantically creeped out.