Not Sure Yet

Dr. Who

2010-03-02T15:53:00.000-08:00

C2 and I are currently making our way through the Dr. Who series (the newer ones not the old ones.) I'm liking them so far, the effects are a bit cheesy but hey this was 2005. John Barrowman just showed up last night; he is adorable. We have to turn the TV up real loud because for the first 5-10 minutes of watching the show we have no idea what they are saying. I know they are speaking English but I swear sometimes it's like listening to a whole different language. Sorry for the boring post; I'm really busy and want to still post something.

Michael Jackson Medley

2010-03-01T15:49:00.000-08:00

I am so impressed with this kid...and a bit jealous that he can sing and is clearly smarter than me.

Catching up...Africa

2010-03-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

Catching up...Africa

In July I traveled again to Uganda to work for 20 days. This time we built a boys dormitory that allowed the boys attending the vocational school to stay on the grounds. Before the dorm they were walking every day to get to school and as you can imagine the attendance rate was pretty low. You can read all about the trips (Uganda 07; Atlixco, Mexico; Montana; Uganda 09 etc) at www.boardingpasses.org. It was another successful trip and it was nice to see the special needs school we built in 2007 being used (they went from 9 to 40 students.) I got to really like some of the people I traveled with; there were 12 high school and college kids and 10 or so adults. I enjoyed most of the kids but some of the adults are crazy. I could rant for 20 pages about uptight adults but this is just supposed to be a quick catch up.

We rafted the Nile again and as in 2007 it was wild. The Nile starts in Uganda (its actually called the White Nile) and the river is mostly class 5 rapids (which should actually be higher if you ask me because class 5's in the states are tiny compared to the Nile rapids.) This year I was in the boat with S & B. We were having a good time and as we head over one of the beginning rapids I hear a "pow" and wonder, "why is there so much water in our raft?" The pow was one of the side tubes popping. The whole group of 7 or so boats pull to the bank and divided my boat into the other boats. I ended up in a boat with an Australian, a Brit or two and some Irish. All of which were kind of annoying and had never been whitewater rafting before. The Nile is really not a beginner river.

If you don't know rafting, the boat HAS to oar together otherwise you don't get anywhere. The front two in the boat are supposed to oar in unison (which isn't that hard) and the rest of us behind them follow their lead. In my boat the guy in the front right was hung over and he couldn't find a rhythm so the rest of the boat couldn't really follow his lead. As a result our boat kind of duck waddled down the river.

We (barely) made it through the first couple of rapids and are in a slow patch of water where the lead guide (an adorable rugged little Aussie with a permanent 5 o'clock shadow, the right kind, pattern and amount of chest hair and a heavy dose of zinc oxide on his nose) tells all the boats that this is NOT a section of the river that you "want to go swimming." Here a hydroelectric dam is being built and the banks of the river are slowly growing to meet in the middle. The river here is fast, very, very fast and the rapid is very long. The boats all wait as one at a time they head through the rapid. Most make it ok, some flip towards the bottom of the rapid.

Towards the end of the pack, my boat waddles into the rapid and we hit the very first wave wrong. The boat flips. I am on the low side so as it flips the tube smacks me on the head and sends me to the bottom. I am an experienced swimmer. I was an all state and all conference swimmer in high school (even have the letter jacket to prove it.) I am very comfortable in the water and now that I am in the river I hold on to my life vest and just let the river toss me around knowing that eventually it will spit me out.

Initially I think this is fun, I keep waiting for my head to pop above the water. Nothing. The light on the other side of my closed eyes is still really dark. I begin to wonder if I am stuck under the boat so I run my arm around me to see if I can feel the raft. Nothing. My lungs are starting to burn. I begin to get a little worried so I start to swim but quickly remember that the river is tossing me around and what I think is up might actually be down, so I stop. After what seems like hours my lungs are about to burst and I open my eyes and see only dark. I look around and see a very faint blue green glow and start to try to swim in that direction.

I very distinctly remember thinking that I wasn't going to make it and my body was going to gasp for air underwater. I remember thinking that I am sure the guides are CPR trained, my group leaders are wilderness first responders and if they get to me quick enough I am sure they can revive me. I remember getting very sad thinking about my parents, siblings and C2. I remember a brief minute of peace staring at the pretty blue-green as my body gives up.

Then my head pops very briefly above the surface. I gasp and take in a refreshing gulp of air and fair amount of river water before I was pulled under again. This time under was shorter and I am pushed above water again and look around. I am 100 yards or so further down river from the last rescue boat and rescue kayaks. I raise my hand and the last rescue boat sees me. As the boat gets closer I hear the guide yelling at his boaters to paddle harder. It is my furry little handsome man from Australia and he is my hero.

He pulls me into the boat and I land on his tan, perfectly furry, nicely built, slightly body odor-esque little body. Maybe I did die, I think, because this is heaven.

Once situated, he asks in his delightful little accent, "Did you open your eyes?"
"Uh huh."
"What did you see?"
"Nothing." I respond.
"Wow, you were on the bottom...and down there for a long time."
No shit.

That rapid was the last before "lunch island" and it turns out five of the eight from that boat quit. One girl chipped a tooth and another had a fierce bloody nose. I stayed but made sure I was with S & B. It was the closest "near death experience" I've ever had and at the end of the day I sent a very tear filled email to my parents, siblings and C2 about how much I loved them and about the river. My mom was so pissed.

Sometimes I dream of that blue-green and my chest tightens and I can feel a small panic attack come on BUT I will raft again. In fact when I travel to work in Nepal over Christmas, I plan to whitewater raft in the Himalayas.

How cool does that sound?

Catching up...Montana Worktrip

2010-03-01T08:43:00.001-08:00

Here is yet another attempt at restarting this thing.

Catching up from last summer...

Last June I spent 10 days at Flathead Lake, Montana as one of the "adult advisors" with about 50 high school kids cleaning up a summer camp just before the real summer campers showed up. These big youth worktrips are a ton of fun and luckily for me they are very light on the God talk. I never went to summer camp as a kid and these trips let me experience some of what I might have missed (I even slept in bunk beds with all the adults). The drama is high (high school girls can be so mean to each other) and the work is hard but I have a huge amount of fun. It turns out I don't suck at interacting with high school kids...it's probably because I talk like a sailor and control them by mocking and belittling.

I even had my own camp crush. C2 knows all about it (and incidentally also has a crush on him.) At our after trip adult meeting my co-worker (who is kind of an idiot) told my crush "Larry you have a crush on him, you're both gay, why don't you just bone." Thank you very much. So I had to own it and told the crush, "yeah I have a crush on you, big deal, I'm allowed to crush on people." We're friends now and C2 and I keep trying to get him into a threesome but we are failing miserably. The first attempt ended with me having a nasty allergic reaction to Hypnotic (I know, gross, it's C2's) and spent the WHOLE night barfing while they all went out and C2 failed to close the deal; he opted for breakfast over boners. The second time we all went out and the crush found a hot boy and left like 10 minutes after arriving (he ended up barfing all night so we dodged a bullet.) We've kind of decided to give up and let things go how they might go. Oh if this is shocking, nothing is wrong with C2 and I (if you care); we follow Dan Savage's idea of monogamy and relationships. We aren't in an open relationship, but we are open to conversations about all sorts of things...the level of honesty in our relationship is really refreshing.

2009-12-10T08:39:00.001-08:00

The only version of this song that is good! ♫ http://blip.fm/~hl3vv

You-foes!

2009-12-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

Sweetjesuscyclinginspandex WHAT. IS. THIS?!?!

Since I am a giant ghost, bigfoot, alien, yeti, nessie, chupacabra loving nerd this video gets me quite excited. I'm thinking this is either first contact or maybe some kind of Stargate wormhole thingy. Oh please let this be a big giant hello from little grey men (and women)(that is of course if they have sexes). Some are saying it was a failed Russian rocket but they're wrong.

Maybe I've just got the paranormal on the brain cause I've stumbled on to The Mysterious Universe podcast (www.mysteriousuniverse.org that is an awesome fun ghosty, yeti, ufo-ey hour of true stories, debunking and general spookiness.

2009-12-09T08:09:00.001-08:00

Baby I'm freezing... ♫ http://blip.fm/~hj66k

Chasin' Some Muscle

2009-12-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

What in THE hell is this?!?

Hi World

2009-12-03T10:10:00.000-08:00

So it has been a LOOONG hiatus, no real reason...time maybe, BUT I am back. I am gonna try in earnest to write something at least 3 times a week, hopefully more.

2009-11-04T10:17:00.001-08:00

Although I might like it for one afternoon... ♫ http://blip.fm/~fv0k9

2009-09-17T06:56:00.001-07:00

Green scales fell like rain. ♫ http://blip.fm/~dhydy

Racists Bitches

2009-09-09T20:20:00.000-07:00

Howdy! I will update more about my crazy summer but right now I am a little drunk and want to rant.

I'm so over my country right now.

I am sick and tired of the crazy anti Obama nitwits. First it is the bailout, now it is healthcare reform. 99% of these dickwads don't know what the fuck they are talking about. If I hear one more asswipe say anything about a socialist/nazi US because of a national healthcare system I am going to ask them if they think we run a Nazi water treatment plant or if their local firehouse is some socialist spy network or if, when they need the police to help them, they think the SS is coming. THOSE ARE GOVERNMENT RUN OPTIONS you fucking dumbass.

I've figured it out. These fuckwads are racists, plain and simple, racist, KKK, skinhead, cross burning, my mom is my fucking grandma/aunt may dickheads (I love the word dickhead btw.) This all stems from the outrage about the President wanting to talk to school age kids....yeah the fucking democratically elected President of my United States of America wanting to talk to fucking kids AND then tonight during Obama's speech when dickwad (also like that word) Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) called Obama a liar during his speech. Really?!?! No one called Bush a liar when HE LIED. I can't remember anyone interrupting a president during his speech. I am calling a spade a spade, no more we agree to disagree...you are a FUCKING RACIST. If he was a white old fuckbag this would be a different story...stop being a racist!

I will update about my busy ass summer in a bit.

2009-09-09T06:24:00.001-07:00

Still in my head. ♫ http://blip.fm/~d358l

2009-08-21T07:43:00.001-07:00

Don't threaten me Al! You're out of shape, I'll kick your arse. ♫ http://blip.fm/~c2hup

2009-08-20T09:59:00.001-07:00

Two men enter, one man leave! Me order! Me Master! Me run Bartertown! ♫ http://blip.fm/~c0qd2

2009-08-20T07:30:00.001-07:00

thinks he needs more Donna Summer in his life. ♫ http://blip.fm/~c0h63

2009-06-30T10:03:00.001-07:00

Ain't nothin' wrong...with lovin' chunky. ♫ http://blip.fm/~958sa

Worktrippin

2009-06-13T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'm currently driving through Wyoming on the way to Flathead Lake,
Montana. I'll be working with 45 high school kids. I am eavesdropping
on two of them go from discussing the digestive system of songbirds
and geese to the stationary front that must be causing all the rain.
Kids are weird. One of them asked me after the song Ghostbusters if
it was from a movie or just a song. Oh so sad. Yup I am an old bitch
she was born in the mid 90s.

Overheard

2009-06-12T19:46:00.000-07:00

At my house after the Stanley Cup

Chris: They should stop kissing the cup and start kissing each other.

I Want a Banana Costume

2009-06-12T07:14:00.000-07:00

Gay is OK

2009-06-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

While I iron my clothes in the morning I am stuck watching that fucking sorry excuse for a CBS morning show, The Early Show (the TV in our "ironing room" isn't digitally ready and it only picks up CBS so I'm stuck watching this shit and Rachel Ray.) Their obnoxious "witty banter" inspired this open letter.

Open letter to the CBS fucktards and any other "News-y" people.

Dear Fucktards

Adam Lambert is gay. Whoop-di-do. Duh. As Kate would say if you "lived in the world" you already knew. (However for some reason my mother says she had no idea. She gets a pass, she barely lives in the world...she lives in Wyoming.)

I am really fucking tired of hearing you people say things like, "Why is this news?" I tend to agree, it shouldn't be news, there are far more important things going on in the world.

What is really chapping my hide is that you sit there on TV and pat yourselves on the back thinking you are some grand champion of the gay. You think that you are liberal and smart and progressive because you think the gayness of Lambert is not important. I have news for you, you're not liberal and smart and progressive, you're lame.

While Lambert's coming out is not news it is important.
Here is why:
• Every day some kid is socked in the mouth, beaten up or far worse, just because he or she sucks dick or munches beav. Not occasionally but EVERY DAY. Every day some kid feels like it would be easier to swallow 40 pills than have to hear some bully call him a faggot one more time. It is important because it shows them that they are not alone. It is important because it shows the bigots and the bullies that we are everywhere (and, God forbid, they might have voted for one.)

• There are kids who are terrified of coming out. Terrified of what their friends will say, of what their parents will do. It helps to have multiple faces of gayness in the world for them to see. I am friends with a high school "baby gay" who is tormented and depressed because no one has ever said to him that being gay is ok. I spent 4 hours listening to him (I'll write about that later) tell me about the feelings he has and not know what to do about it or even if it was ok. When you're straight you are constantly shown what to do with your feelings, you see couples kiss or hold hands, you see them with their kids and are invited to their weddings. As a gay, you rarely see public affection and as far as families or marriage, its still illegal in most places (I have hope and it is getting much better.) Adam Lambert coming out helps to say, "It is OK to be gay."

• I know first hand what being a confused little gayling is like. I didn't come out until I was 30. My first boyfriend of 7 years was just "my roommate." I grew up in the 80's. There weren't many gays on TV. I mean I danced with Wham and Boy George but they weren't gay, they were eccentric. I thought in the 7th grade that because I had feelings for boys I was going to get "the gay disease"...AIDS. Like the gay gene spontaneously generated AIDS with the onset of puberty. You should know that this was YEARS before I ever even french kissed anyone much less did anything that would expose me to HIV. I spent at least a year trying to figure out how to tell my parents that not only was I gay but I also had AIDS. I would have loved to have seen a young person come out and show me that it is ok.

So you should know, you lame ass news fucktards, that while Lambert's flamboyant faggotry isn't news, it is important (and you should start acting like it is.)

Yours truly,
Larry

Twink Fucker

2009-06-04T12:01:00.001-07:00

Another mini rant about my Administrative Ass-sistant (the same one who loves to hand me fucking stupid unusable labels.) I have to mass email the congregation and I maintain the email addresses. Visitors are asked if they want to receive this mass email and are instructed to put their email address on a pad. The Ass-sistant is supposed to type that up and send it to me. I wonder if her head is permanently in her ass cause clearly she pays no fucking attention to what she is typing.
Here are few of the email addresses she has sent to me:

twinkfucker@hotmail.com - WTF? Really? Swear to God that she sent this to me this morning. Now maybe she doesn't know what a twink is (of course I do, but that is cause I am a giant homo) but how did she miss the fucker part? Maybe I should try it out and see if it is real, "Dear Twinkfucker, Why would you ever want to fuck a twink?"

cocks@cox.coxx - Dumb ass there isn't even a .coxx out there (yet.)

joe@vagina.com - Yep, joe@vagina.com. Gross "Joe." I like triple cocks (what good fag doesn't) but at vagina? Not so much.

This is all kind of funny because someone is clearly fucking with us (and I would love to meet them,) but I cannot believe she wastes her time sending me this shit.

Wish I Could See the Dress

2009-06-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

I'm designing materials for an upcoming wedding and it may be the most ghetto thing I've come across. As they are to light the Unity Candle they wanted it to say, "We light the candle in membrence of....." Membrance? I corrected it, "Remembrance" and sent a proof only to have them insist I had it wrong and to put membrance back in.
Ok, its your wedding.

When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best

2009-05-28T09:36:00.001-07:00

From my husband.

Flippy Bouncy Sexy Beast

2009-05-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

The guy is an amazing Flippy Bouncy Sexy Beast! He should be some new ninja super hero.

After the Credits

2009-05-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

Another movie post...this site tells you if there is more movie after the credits. This makes me happy cause I usually have to pee.

MovieStinger

Everything's Better When Everyone's Gay

2009-05-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

This made me laugh...I really liked "ass-a-ma-doodles" and cork-"screw-ma-diggers"

I Gotta Pee

2009-05-28T07:33:00.000-07:00

Someone has made this site just for me I am sure. I can barely make it through a movie without having to pee (might have something to do with the gigantic Diet Pepsi I always get) and now I can find out when the best time to sneak off to the toilet.

Runpee

Brrrr

2009-05-27T06:56:00.000-07:00

I am a bit fascinated by this blog.

"Welcome to the 21st century. In these times, a person who is isolated at the South Pole still can write and publish a blog that the whole world can read..."

Freeze Dried Engineer

Ghetto Names

2009-05-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

So funny. I love Watermelondrea.

There Are Zombies On My Law-awn

2009-05-07T06:56:00.000-07:00

I kind of love this stupid little song for the game Plants vs. Zombies and it sticks in my head for the WHOLE day. Which means I sound a little ridiculous singing in public "There's a zombie on your law-awn, we don't want zombies on the lawn." I kind of want it on my iPhone. I bought the game and it is totally a fun little time waster.

Cheeky Monkey

2009-05-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

I love this stupid gibbon.

The Summer of Nerd

2009-05-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

Oh I am SO excited for this summer of movies. Wolverine, Harry Potter, Star Trek, Transformers, GI Joe, Terminator...no snooty, crappy indie theaters for me :) give me the big budget, big effects summer Eleganza Extravaganza! Can't wait to open my 12 year bottle of Klingon Bloodwine. Alex if you haven't seen these stop packing and watch!

Interviews part 4

2009-04-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

• #7 really was annoying after I wrote the last post. I definately would have hit the "Shooter into the street" button. The Macbook REALLY messed with her, she kept asking me questions and I was like, "This isn't the Genius Bar, shit." Yeah she bugged.
• #8 is also kind of annoying. These to church ladies keep asking me questions and my head voice is saying, "Isn't that kind of cheating? This is your interview not mine."
• Shoot them both into the street.

Interviews part 3

2009-04-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

So this is probably not interesting at all anymore (if it ever was) but I've started this and I am going to finish...so suck it.

Three more today...

• The 5th applicant was a guy. Looks to be about my age and may or may not be cute, couldn't decide. He was nice, wore a suit, I'm wearing shorts.
• Applicant #6 and #7 have fallen back into church lady-ish-ness.
• #6 wasn't very nice. I think my distraction test was distracting for her. I wish I had a button at my desk that I could push and they would fall through a trap door and get shot outside onto the lawn...that would be fun.
• #7 has a lot of crazy on her face. She was bit too much energy for me, which means that she has A LOT of annoying energy...you see I have a high energy threshold. AND she grabbed my fucking handshake before we touched web to web (between the pointer finger and thumb) WHICH MEANS that she ended up grabbing my 4 fingers WHICH MEANS I had a really weak ass queeny handshake...ugh!

As an adendum and side note....people when you hand shake please wait until the webs touch cause it only makes one person look like a prancing weak ass bitch if you grab too early.

Interviews Part 2

2009-04-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

Ok more applicants...

• They're still smelling like old whores *ack*
• Third ones glasses were so think I didn't know if she had eyeballs or just little black holes in her head, kind a like the eyes of Charlie Brown. In fact now that I mention it she did look like an older Peppermint Patty.
• Fourth one wore nice dark denim jeans. That works for me. Shows she probably isn't an old church lady. We can work on her perfume later. *ack*

Lock My Car

2009-04-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

I "order" some new pens (cause I am a particular bitch with my pens...need to be 1.0 mm or I can't use them), computer cleaner and some cd labels from our Administrative Assistant (yes one of the two Wonder Twins of stupidity.) She goes and gets the shit then forgets it all in her car so I volunteer to go get it.

"Here is my key and you'll need to push this button right here to unlock the car"

My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like an unlocked lock?"

"And after you close it make sure you lock it and to do that push this button twice and be sure it locks."

My head voice, "Oh you mean the fucking button that looks like a locked lock? Look, I know how to work a fucking auto car lock, I have one on my car and BTW this isn't a new invention. Just because this is the first car you've bought since the invention of the color TV doesn't make it new. "

"Oh and make sure you hear the horn honk cause that means it worked."

My head voice, "No shit."

My outside voice, "Will do."

The Duel

2009-04-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

My pusher husband has got me addicted to yet another pointless reality show...MTV's The Deul 2. Let me get this out of the way first...I might be a little or maybe a lot in love with Landon *sigh*

There might be spoilers here so if you want to watch the show look away now.
I kind of love this stupid show and for once there are two gay men (Davis and Ryan) on the show. There are always lesbos or women who are kinda straight but I can't remember two gay men. Of course, as gay men do, they hook up on the first night (or editting makes it look like it anyway.) This also makes me a little happy because these guys are making out in the hot tub and MTV shows a lot of it. I was a little surprised and pleased to think that MTV is not shying away from showing two men get it on.

Well I think now that it was stunt-y and it kind of pisses me off...like the producers were "show the gays so people get shocked." I say this because Ryan got booted on the 3rd (I think) episode and he says something like he is trying not to cry by leaving Davis. But wait...after the first kissing episode you never saw the two of them in the same shot, not talking or interacting in any way.

Now I get that it is TV and they want ratings and gay men are actually a little like that in reality and that you could argue that exposure continues to move the country towards acceptance BUT I feel a little used.

Interviews

2009-04-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

More work stuff...

We're hiring and I would never want the job but apparently several people do. When I heard about the interviews for today and tomorrow I started plotting ways I could sneak around and see the applicants (I am a nosey bitch.) Well as luck would have it the applicants have to do an online test AND since I am the only person on the staff who has any sort of techy brain they put the applicants outside my office to take the test....yay! Poor things are also taking the test on a cute little Macbook, which confuses the fuck out of them.

This is the "live blog" of my first impressions.

• So far there have been two women, both looking like little old church ladies...ugh.

• What is it with little old church ladies bathing in old women perfume. *gag* Ahhh that shit is burning my lasik!

• The first lady looked, sounded and smelled like she smokes 2 packs a day and falls asleep with a bottle of Jack in her lap. At least she was nice and could be fun at the Christmas party

• The second lady looked like she hasn't had sex in 25 years and kind of behaved that way too. She wasn't as nice and acted like she was already my boss, which BTW this person is NOT going to be my boss...she better step off. She looks like she might hate me. It's probably because I'm a young 35, a happy little gay, am wearing shorts and blaring Poker Face while she is trying to do her test. See little do they all know, I've planned my own tests (bwahhhahahaha)...these bitches need to be able to multi-task so I am being a little more distracting than usually (bwahahahahah).

More to come....

What I Should Wear on Satyr-day

2009-04-27T14:53:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...
1. How do I get a pair of these?
2. Where would I wear them?

Assist this!

2009-04-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

So I haven’t yet really bitched about a couple of my coworkers but today is the day I start. I work with two of the possibly most useless administrative "assistants"...and I use assistant loosely. They are sweet people but 91% (yes 91%) of the time I want to beat them with the cremains of Marion. Chris wants to fire them and gets all HR-ey wondering why such incompetence is tolerated but working in a church is a whole different working culture. This will probably be a regular post because sometimes I think their job is just to annoy the shit out of me.

Anyway, the last Monday of the month I mail out 1000 or so 20 page newsletters and have a large group of volunteers (20 old folks who run my ass off, "This water isn’t hot enough," "Where is the Earl Grey tea?" and on and on) that collate and label them before I bundle, bag and deliver to the bulk mail facility (which by the way is a mild form of torture...I hate this shit.) So on top of a really horrible task, these two seem to always ratchet up their ineptitude come mailing day, like the Wonder Twins of stupidity.

Since it is a MAILING I obviously need the MAILING labels and they always seem to forget or not hear me and more often than not, just fuck it up. One month its printed on paper, the next its on the back of the label sheet (which confuses the fuck out of my old people) and once it was on sheets of labels that were missing random labels out of the sheet (how the fuck does that even happen.)

Today I get the labels and immediately look at them and think, "What the fuck? Not again!" My labels, like 100 sheets, are printed gigantically. I mean that the font size is probably around 16 pt. That isn’t normally outrageous but we are talking about little fucking mailing labels. So three quarters of the name, address and city, state and zip are on one label and finishes off on the one next to it AND only the name and address really fit vertically on the label and the city state and zip are on the label below it. Basically, like the assistants, they are worthless.

I bring them back and want to scream and rant but nicely say, "Hey guys, these aren’t going to work."

They look and one says, "Well look at that, how did that happen?"

Really? I think, it happened because you printed it that way...AGAIN.

So for the fourth month in a row I show them that they have control over the point size and I gently encourage them to look at the fucking screen before sending them to the printer and wasting all those labels. AND if they do fuck up how about you look at the fucking stack of labels BEFORE sending them down to me to use. I’ve tried to get them to let me mess with the management software to see if I can change the default but they giggle and say they will remember how to do it.

I am not a complete asshole and these things don’t really annoy me, but when it continues to happen month after month and they pretend like there is some computer gremlin that is out to get them, I want to flip out!

Breath. Donut. Breath. Better now.

Damn you unsalted snack foods!

2009-04-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

I bought fucking almonds today hoping for yummy delicious saltedness and accidentally bought the unsalted ones..damn!

I promise to post more frequently.

Gay 101

2009-04-09T13:19:00.001-07:00

I love the animation in this.

I Love My Friends

2009-04-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

This is from Chris' birthday...dancing at Tracks.

Lucky's Funeral

2009-03-30T07:43:00.000-07:00

This is too cute. I love that Dad tosses Mom under the bus a few times.

Womanizer Sign Language

2009-03-26T14:11:00.000-07:00

Who knew sign language could be so cute?

Why Terminators Transport Naked

2009-03-10T07:05:00.000-07:00

Funny.

Things That Go Bump in the Night

2009-03-05T06:30:00.001-08:00

I love owning a house and I think it's a cute little house. Sure it's not exactly what we wanted but for a first home, I'm not sure we could have landed in a better place (and we got an amazing deal.) This September we will have been in the house for 2 years.

Before the house, for 10 years, I hadn't lived in places with multiple entry points.

I usually lived in an apartment off of the ground floor and was never worried about the possibility of someone breaking in through a window or screen door. For the first 6 months I would wake up nearly every night certain that someone was rummaging though our house stealing shit. I'd sit straight up, listen and eventually sneak downstairs in my underwear wielding a bat. This routine drove Chris a little crazy; 1. he is easily scared and gets WAY freaked out when I bolt upright in bed and 2. he is such a bitch when he doesn't get a full night's rest.

The second 6 months saw my nightly undie patrols move from every night to once every two or three days. From there I've heard noises less and less and now I jump up maybe once a month or so.

Last night Chris bolted upright, certain he heard some noise. He never does this so of course it freaks me out a bit. He says he heard something that sounds like if you "were in an empty, unfinished basement and someone has a metal tin filled with water and then someone has a drumstick and is tapping the tin every 5 seconds." What? WTF is that? How in the hell did he come up with that shit? And every 5 seconds? Really?

Then he says, "I think it was coming from outside, like the noise was filling the whole neighborhood." What?!? WTF? My husband has lost his mind. BUT since I'm a bit loony myself I get a little X-Files scared....Alien invasion? Secret government testing? A serial killer with a drumstick and washtub? Zombies? (cause doesn't everything really lead to zombies)

I stayed awake until I heard him breathing heavy and then eventually fell asleep. This morning I think I know what happened. My husband is a 5 year old and is not allowed to play, watch or read anything scary before bed. He played Dead Space and dreamt of space zombies, he read World War Z and dreamt of neighbor zombies, watched 2 Weeks Later and dreamt of European zombies (see it all comes back to zombies.) Right now he is reading the Watchmen comic, so my theory is that he had some bizarre Rorschachian dream (sorry no zombies) and woke up thinking it was real. He is probably gonna refute my theory but I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Oh well, he sleeps weird but I'm lucky to share a house and a life with him.

Old Maids

2009-03-04T10:56:00.001-08:00

Who knew that the unpopped popcorn kernels were called Old Maids? I thought I was the only one who loved to eat these.

I Care Damnit!

2009-03-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

I have an addiction.

I am addicted to the reusable cloth bags you can buy from the grocery store. Sure I feel all green and snotty when I pullout my fancy bag when asked if I want paper or plastic, but truth be told I just love these damn bags. We own like 15 and I have some everywhere, in my car, in my scooter, in my backpack. They're like between 79¢ and 99¢, so if I forget mine, I just buy a new one AND they work way better than the other bags.

Last night on our way to Kate and Alex's for HIMYM episodes we stopped to get big salads at Whole Foods (I love me a big veggie salad.) In the checkout line, of course I forgot my bag and of course they have a bunch there for sale. Then my eyes happen upon one of the fanciest little bags I have yet seen. It is all burlap and earthy feeling, it folds and zips into a perfect little clutchy/purse looking thing. As I hastily grab one I see out of the corner of my eye that the purchase will feed people in Rwanda. PERFECT!

The checker scans my little bag and then asks me, "You know what this bag is about right?"

"Yeah," I say, "it feeds people."

"It will feed 100 people in Rwanda," he says.

In my head I first think, "Awesome." Then I think, "Wait, how does my 79¢ bag feed 100 people. I mean I've been to Uganda and yes things are cheap but you can't feed 100 people on 79¢. Oh no, how much is it?"

And I say, "How much is it?"

"$25"

And before the bag actually goes across the scanner I have this full conversation and fight with the people behind me...completely in my head.

"I shouldn't buy that, I don't have $25 for a bag. I mean I am so almost always broke. Wait, if I say I don't want it now the people behind me are going to think I am an asshole and that I don't care about hunger and poverty. Oh hell. Stop judging me people...I'm going to Africa in July! See I care! I'm gonna build a school. I honestly care. Fuck."

Bleep and my new bag goes across the scanner.

In the car I tell Chris the whole story, he laughs and says he could see the whole thing happening in my head. Oh well, it is a cool bag, it fits nicely in the scooter and hey, I fed 100 people last night.

Morning Wood

2009-03-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

When I stumbled on this site I had to laugh out loud.

Oh the pain of waking up with a full bladder and the sail at full mast. Men know...it is nearly impossible to pee down when the hose is pointing up and most often we end up pissing all over the toilet, the wall, the cat, the floor, ourselves, the dog, a pretty plant given as a housewarming present (I kid).

I hope that one day I walk in on Chris like this.

Other creative solutions. Oh these might be a little NSFWish.

State of Porn

2009-03-02T12:31:00.000-08:00

What a bunch of hypocrites, "Eight of the top 10 pornography consuming states gave their electoral votes to John McCain in last year's presidential election – Florida and Hawaii were the exceptions. While six out of the lowest 10 favoured Barack Obama. Residents of 27 states that passed laws banning gay marriages boasted 11% more porn subscribers than states that don't explicitly restrict gay marriage."

Full article.

Synthesize

2009-03-02T06:38:00.000-08:00

This reminds me of the first synthesizer I ever got to play with as a kid. What does it mean that I like the V, B, N, and M keys?

Facebook

2009-02-27T15:04:00.000-08:00

"A sadness tinged with arousal."

Guantánamo

2009-02-23T09:06:00.000-08:00

The Guantánamo Testimonials Project.

"The goals of this project are to gather testimonies of prisoner abuse in Guantánamo, to organize them in meaningful ways, to make them widely available online, and to preserve them there in perpetuity."

Incredible.

Irresponsible Uteruses...er Uteri? Uterususus?

2009-02-13T06:52:00.000-08:00

While Chris and I are not currently mature enough to have kids we do talk about one day adopting. We also know that it's gonna cost us a chunk of change and assume there will be small battles to be allowed to even adopt. Then I see these wackos dropping kids outta their their vajajas and I want to scream. Maybe I have uteri envy who knows but I feel that it is irresponsible to bring so many kids into the world and not have the means to support and care for them. I don't care what Octo-pussy says, I feel that it is nearly impossible to care for 16 kids...especially when they are all under 8. Chris says we can't have kid but we end up supporting those ones anyways.

Make your own superhero

2009-02-09T06:39:00.000-08:00

Go here to make your own.

Memorial

2009-02-06T06:59:00.001-08:00

Sorry I've been negligent in my posting. Its been a busy, emotionally draining week at work. There is a memorial this Saturday and I've had to meet almost everyday with the family to discuss memorial materials. Memorials are always tough for me, they make me sad, but this one is really hitting me in the gut. Their son died in a helicopter accident in (fucking) Iraq, he was 32 (and adorable.) When parents bury their children there are always a ton of tears and I have cried every time this week after they leave my office...ugh. I even teared up when designing the program with his picture and really nice poem.

I'm not really sure why this one is messing with my head more than others. I do at least one memorial a month. Maybe its because he was only 2 years younger than I am, maybe because he was cute, maybe because the parents are extra kind, maybe because the man cried first (something about seeing a dad cry that makes me extra sad,) maybe because he died in in a stupid war, maybe because you could see the pain on their faces....I don't know but I finish up today. They expect over 900 for the memorial, so I have quite a bit left to do and then I can let go.

Marion is Sitting On My Desk

2009-01-29T13:14:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I have the strangest job.

A woman shows up at my door saying that she can't find anyone else in the building and then hands me a little vase, "Here is Marion, she is being interred later this week."

EEEEEK!

Really?!?!? Hey mortician/cremator lady, don't you think you ought to warn someone before you hand them a little jar of dead?!?! I certainly do! Marion almost became part of the carpet.

Marion is sitting on my desk. I've barely been ably to take my eyes off the jar. I'm officially gigantically creeped out.

Her Morning Elegance

2009-01-28T07:09:00.000-08:00

This is a great little stop motion film.

Intensive Purposes

2009-01-27T12:47:00.000-08:00

I'm talking with someone the other day (being intentionally vague) and she is talking and talking and talking and talking and talking. It's a ramblefest about some TV show that I have never seen, will never see and have NO desire to see....it's on the Family Channel, so even if I had cable I'm fairly certain that TFC is not on my regular viewing short list.

She is talking about Dan who is blah blah with Rachel, who is blah blah, and then there is Randy who likes blah blah but grew up blah blah...and on and on and on. Let me remind you these aren't real people...it's a TV show. I have NO idea why she is telling me this cause I told her I haven't a clue who these people are but she just keeps talking.

At about minute 12 I click off, like really clicked off. I was watching her mouth move and pretending to listen but had completely stopped hearing what she was saying. This goes on for at least another 7 minutes and then my subconsious hears this "...blah, blah, blah, for all intensive purposes, blah, blah, blah..." WAIT WHAT?!?!

Oh thank you the part of my brain that can pay some sort of attention. Since then she has used "for all intensive purposes" a number of times. Should I tell her it is "intents and purposes?" I rather enjoy hearing the mistake, makes me giggle inside and I think I might like whatever an intensive purpose is...sounds cool.

How I love intensive purposes...I might make that my blog name.

Africa

2009-01-27T08:45:00.000-08:00

I'll be heading to Africa again this July to work with people with HIV/AIDS and to build a library. (So real soon I'll begin begging for money and if you want to make a tax deductible donation contact me.) Last time we built a school for children with disabilities...their motto "Disability is not Inability."

Part of the group met last Sunday and I've begun to transition the travel blog (www.boardingpasses.org) to look more "African." In doing so I reread some of the posts and thought I would share one here. I can't wait to go back!

This Little Piggy
Jun 19, 2007, post by Larry
The other day we were asked what we might want to eat. A list was created. On the list was pork. I like a piece a bacon now and then so part of me was a little excited for something different.

For dinner that night we had the pork. The room we eat in is lit only by a single flouresent bulb so most everything is cast in a hard shadow. I looked into the tub of pork and thought, “Well, I’ve got to try everything.” It was dark so I was trying really hard to find the best piece (I had had a run in with a scary chicken leg a couple nights earlier.) After a brief search I found a couple of pieces that looked pretty good.

I started eating our regular fare of rice, cabbage, potatoes, and things were going well. Then I decided to try the pork. I picked up the piece of meat examined it and took a bite. I can’t really remember the taste, I think it was charcoal. A little like what I imagine chewing a burnt rubber band would taste like.

Munch.

Munch.

Munch.

I swallowed that piece and then John says, “Well look at that, I think you have the ear.” Gulp. I looked at the remaining piece of meat on my plate with horror. Not only was it truly the ear, but it was covered in stringy hair. Never have I had a serious gag reflex from eating something until now. Needless to say that experience ruined my appetite and I have yet to venture into the meat bowl again…I’m a bit traumatized.

Bus Money

2009-01-23T13:19:00.000-08:00

As if I needed another reason why my husband is the best...

I'm taking the bus to happy hour later today. I hate driving and I really hate driving if I've had anything to drink. It's my first time taking "the bus" and I've heard that the bus I am going to catch is crazy. Katina said in an email, "You'll be fine, just say yes to crack."

Last night Chris gave me $2 for my bus ride and found the route I need to take (he is a seasoned pro.)

On my walk to work this morning I get this text message, "Did you remember your bus money?"

For some reason that little text made my whole day. It was sweet, caring and it feels good to have someone watching out for me.

Who You Gonna Call?

2009-01-22T12:23:00.001-08:00

This is a fun waste of time. You can watch web cams from haunted places in hopes of catching a glimpse of something paranormal. That would be awesome. I love all that scary, haunted, alien, halloweeny, make me jump kind of stuff. In fact no less than three times a week I jump out at Chris from behind a door or from under the bed or from inside the closet. He doesn't think it's funny, I do. I usually get a big scream and as I'm doubled over with laughter he slaps me...its totally worth getting smacked.

If you can't find me this afternoon, I'll be looking for ghosts.

A New Day

2009-01-22T11:18:00.001-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I spoke with one of my volunteers about the inaugaration of Barack. She is a sweet little 86 year old African American grandma. She brings me fudge at Christmas, cookies on my birthday and she gave me a cleaning bucket when I bought my house. I love her.

"I feel like something in here," she says pointing at her chest, "has healed. For the first time in my whole life I feel like this is my country."

I also spoke to one of the maintenance/custodial guys and asked him what he thought. He said, "We were told growing up that we could be anything we want, except president. That is no longer true."

This makes me smile.

Some good things...

2009-01-22T11:09:00.000-08:00

Since I've been ragging on Obama for the choice of Rick Warren, I thought I would share some good news. Almost immediately after he was sworn in as president whitehouse.gov was updated with the following. Sorry this is so long I am still trying to figure out the "more" link thing.

Expand Hate Crimes Statutes: In 2004, crimes against LGBT Americans constituted the third-highest category of hate crime reported and made up more than 15 percent of such crimes. President Obama cosponsored legislation that would expand federal jurisdiction to include violent hate crimes perpetrated because of race, color, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, or physical disability. As a state senator, President Obama passed tough legislation that made hate crimes and conspiracy to commit them against the law. Fight

Workplace Discrimination: President Obama supports the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, and believes that our anti-discrimination employment laws should be expanded to include sexual orientation and gender identity. While an increasing number of employers have extended benefits to their employees’ domestic partners, discrimination based on sexual orientation in the workplace occurs with no federal legal remedy. The President also sponsored legislation in the Illinois State Senate that would ban employment discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

Support Full Civil Unions and Federal Rights for LGBT Couples: President Obama supports full civil unions that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples. Obama also believes we need to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and enact legislation that would ensure that the 1,100+ federal legal rights and benefits currently provided on the basis of marital status are extended to same-sex couples in civil unions and other legally-recognized unions. These rights and benefits include the right to assist a loved one in times of emergency, the right to equal health insurance and other employment benefits, and property rights.

Oppose a Constitutional Ban on Same-Sex Marriage: President Obama voted against the Federal Marriage Amendment in 2006 which would have defined marriage as between a man and a woman and prevented judicial extension of marriage-like rights to same-sex or other unmarried couples.

Repeal Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell: President Obama agrees with former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff John Shalikashvili and other military experts that we need to repeal the "don’t ask, don’t tell" policy. The key test for military service should be patriotism, a sense of duty, and a willingness to serve. Discrimination should be prohibited. The U.S. government has spent millions of dollars replacing troops kicked out of the military because of their sexual orientation. Additionally, more than 300 language experts have been fired under this policy, including more than 50 who are fluent in Arabic. The President will work with military leaders to repeal the current policy and ensure it helps accomplish our national defense goals.

Expand Adoption Rights: President Obama believes that we must ensure adoption rights for all couples and individuals, regardless of their sexual orientation. He thinks that a child will benefit from a healthy and loving home, whether the parents are gay or not.

Promote AIDS Prevention: In the first year of his presidency, President Obama will develop and begin to implement a comprehensive national HIV/AIDS strategy that includes all federal agencies. The strategy will be designed to reduce HIV infections, increase access to care and reduce HIV-related health disparities. The President will support common sense approaches including age-appropriate sex education that includes information about contraception, combating infection within our prison population through education and contraception, and distributing contraceptives through our public health system. The President also supports lifting the federal ban on needle exchange, which could dramatically reduce rates of infection among drug users. President Obama has also been willing to confront the stigma -- too often tied to homophobia -- that continues to surround HIV/AIDS.

Empower Women to Prevent HIV/AIDS: In the United States, the percentage of women diagnosed with AIDS has quadrupled over the last 20 years. Today, women account for more than one quarter of all new HIV/AIDS diagnoses. President Obama introduced the Microbicide Development Act, which will accelerate the development of products that empower women in the battle against AIDS. Microbicides are a class of products currently under development that women apply topically to prevent transmission of HIV and other infections.

Hello Mr. President!

2009-01-20T15:33:00.001-08:00

Today I can say that I am proud to be an American. I am excited to see what's in store the next 4 years.

Star Wars

2009-01-16T11:22:00.000-08:00

Retold by someone who hasn’t seen it but has only seen snippets.

Take a break...

2009-01-16T11:16:00.000-08:00

This game makes me a little hungry...especially the nacho stage.
Burger Island

Getting Old

2009-01-16T10:51:00.000-08:00

I turn 35 this year and for some reason I have been a little obsessed with how fast time seems to be passing. These first 35 years have flown by and I think that if the next 35 come and go as fast, I will be 70 years old before I know it. It makes me a little anxious. I don't feel 35, I don't act like 35, I'm not mature enough to be 35, how can I be 35. 35 is only 5 years from 40 for crying out loud and I'm certainly not mature enough to be 40. In 20+ years will I have enough to retire, what happens if I don't, where will I be working, living and on and on, my mind won't stop. It makes for a pretty interesting walk to work. I'm feeling (and this isn't breaking news) like for the first time I really understand how short our lives are. This whole train of thought ends up being rather trite, "Enjoy every minute," blah blah. The thing is I think that I have up until now been very aware of every minute and how fleeting our time is so I'm not sure where this age anxiety is coming from. Is this some sort of early mid life crisis?

Uncovered Variety

2009-01-16T08:58:00.000-08:00

_ Maybe the iBreath is something we should invest in? (And it looks like a fun party gadget.) If not then this could work too.

_ Martians!

_ Giraffes have all-male orgies. So do bottlenose dolphins, killer whales, gray whales, and West Indian manatees. Japanese macaques, on the other hand, are ardent lesbians...whoa what? Giraffe orgies?!? How does that even happen? Evolution and homosexuality, maybe Darwin was wrong.

_ An 11 year old terrorist? Really? Yet another example of why Gitmo must close and how our government has abused its power.

_ Our world may be a giant hologram. This hurt my brain after reading.

_ My dowry would be bigger than 100 cases of Corona, 50 cases of Modelo, 100 cases of soda and two cases of wine, topped off with six cases of beef.

_ Iranian Cleric sex tape! Ew. Where is the eye clorox when I need it?

_ Eyecandy. (A little NSFWish)

I was just bent over tying my shoe...

2009-01-16T06:59:00.000-08:00

I think this is on a show, The Principal's Office on TruTV. I don't get it with our rabbit ears but saw this clip and I love these boys and their smart-assery.

Circus

2009-01-15T09:47:00.000-08:00

These guys are SO good. I spent a good hour going through all their videos on YouTube. They need to be on Shooby Dooby (and could have saved the crapfest that is Superstars of Dance!)

I think Kate might love this.

We did it...finally!

2009-01-13T20:16:00.000-08:00

Nice huh? Only took 72 hours to install.

Man-bitch Ho-bag

2009-01-13T13:43:00.000-08:00

The View irritates me 99.997% of the time because Sherri is usually an idiot and Elizabeth is a religious bigot. This, however, makes me smile wide because as much as I can't stand The View, I genuinely hate that man-bitch ho bag Ann Coulter. At one point I thought Sherri was gonna beat her ass for picking on her grandma, er I mean Barbara.

Take a break...

2009-01-13T12:37:00.000-08:00

OMG this game is fun (and funny!) On my first try I got chopped up AND burned.

Death Trap Mansion House

The Right Kind of Religion

2009-01-13T12:22:00.000-08:00

I do love one of Oprah's spiritual people, Rev. Ed Bacon, rector of All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena, California. He says, "Being gay is a gift from God. But our culture doesn't understand that. And consequently, the culture sends messages that you ought to isolate. And isolation is the antithesis of what all of us need." To further explain his comment, the Rev. Bacon joins Oprah via satellite. "I meant exactly what I said," he says. "It is so important for every human being to understand that he or she is a gift from God."

On a PBS Religion & Ethics interview.
Q: Tell us why your church decided to go ahead and officiate at same sex weddings in California. A: I think that the central reason is that we believe that God's love is not discriminatory. It's not bigoted. There are no second-class citizens, and so the graces of the church should extend to everyone, regardless of who they are.

Q: One thing you hear over and over again from different segments of the Christian community is God instituted marriage between a man and a woman, and the Bible says this is between a man and a woman. How do you respond to that? A: I think it's very clear that the Bible has an arc that moves towards inclusiveness. Peter himself had a conversion experience about his fixed certainties and the things he felt repugnant toward, and the entire New Testament is about inclusion, about bringing more and more people in and understanding that there's nothing God created which is inherently evil, and so the Bible itself moves towards inclusion.

Suck it Rick!

2009-01-13T12:14:00.000-08:00

Yes I have written about how pissed I am about Rick Warren at the inauguration but I keep seeing things that make me more angry. So Obama wants to have an inclusive service by including someone who is the leader of a church where "unrepentant gays were forbidden from joining the church."

Suck it Rick!
Not surprising that a Christian leader would be a closed minded bigot. Further proof that most Religion (with a capital "R") is destructive and mean.

Suck it Barack!
FYI -the gays make up part of your base. So far you are travelling down the path of every other asshole politician. This is why I am an Independent. All these political dickwads don't support gay marriage, oh sure they support civil unions, but marriage is too sacred an institution to allow the gays in.
Bill Clinton signs DOMA (The Defense of Marriage Act) and then has his intern suck him off...take that marriage. John Edwards doesn't believe in gay marriage and then sinks it in his producer...sorry wife with cancer. Larry Craig also hates the gays...unless you are the dude in the stall next to him. The list goes on...fucking hypocrites.

Oh one other thing in relation to Gay Marriage vs. Civil Unions....how about we only call our Presidents, Presidents when they are white, and black Presidents will be called Head of Country. You have all the same duties and responsibilities as Presidents but because you are black we have to call it Head of Country. How does that feel Head of Country-elect?

FYI - I still love Barack but he doesn't get a free ride. Lord knows he is 1000 times better than McStain could have been.

New Kelly

2009-01-13T07:22:00.000-08:00

Here is a leak of the new Kelly Clarkson. Better listen before the internet bosses have it removed. I like to think that I made her the American Idol winner. I voted for her no less than 6531 times.

I like.

Pimp My Ride

2009-01-12T19:51:00.000-08:00

Whoa! The pres-mobile is crazy! I especially like the "Bottles of the president's blood kept on board in case he needs an emergency trandfusion." And you know there are super secret James Bond gadgets installed that we will never know about. I hope there is at least a smoke screen like on old school Spy Hunter.

Buy me this....

2009-01-12T19:45:00.001-08:00

Would it be offensive if I wore this? If not someone buy it for me.

via

Microwave Part Deux

2009-01-12T19:18:00.000-08:00

SOOOOO we uninstalled everything and went to Home Depot to pick up some more screws (Chris lost one) and togglebolts (the wingnuts from the first set of togglebolts are a permanent fixture within the walls of our house.) Of course, the Home Depot we went to sucked, it was like none of those assholes wanted to help us. We found the togglebolts but the "Self Aligning Machine Screws" were a bust. The instructions call for three of those self aligning screws and we figure we could manage with the two.

Back at home we're making progress and our wall now has EIGHT holes in it (some are 1/2 inch wide.) We lift the microwave onto the track thing and I go to screw the Self Aligning Machine Screws from the top cabinet into the microwave and GUESS WHAT(?!?)...the threads on the one screw are screwed. Chris, during his first attempt yesterday, tried to use the Self Aligning Machine Screws as wood screws and destroyed one...now we only have ONE Self Aligning Machine Screw.

"Ugh, I am over this fucking microwave, lets just return it. I need some wine," Chris rants as he storms out of the kitchen with a bottle under his arm. LOL! He is officially banned from home improvement. It's a good thing I love him.

Microwave installation: going on 48 hours.

Microwave

2009-01-11T19:10:00.000-08:00

We finally broke down and bought a microwave. It's a nice one...it even has a "Pizza Slice" button that kind of excites me. We picked a stainless steel one even though our kitchen appliances are all bisque. The guy at Home Depot informed us that "they" are going to stop making the bisque color of appliances soon so I guess we've begun the conversion to stainless steel appliances.

Chris "installed" it. He is no longer allowed to install anything. He installed our doorknob; it took 8 hours, and he lost a part. He installed the microwave and it is a good 3 inches below where the instructions tell him it should be. Now we have to go get new screws and reinstall (I am in charge.) We also have 3 giant holes that need to be fixed and repainted....ugh Chris.

WTF

2009-01-09T11:32:00.000-08:00

This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. WTF, if you were going to run outside on treadmill, why don't you just run outside...dumb.

Walking to Work

2009-01-09T08:42:00.000-08:00

I am walking to work. It's a bit cold but I left my car there after
picking up the scooter. I'm gonna have horrible hat hair when I get in
and I wore sneakers instead of nice shoes so that will end up driving
me a little crazy later. This year I am going to try to walk at least
twice a week (hopefully more.) And it allows me to get through Neil
Gaiman's Neverwhere audio book I bought for the drive to Wyoming.

My Favorite Muppet

2009-01-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

Fozzie Bear.
"Poor Fozzie. He’s the perpetual target of Statler and Waldorf because of his horrible jokes and puns. It actually created a bit of a problem during the first season of The Muppet Show, because when Fozzie got heckled, he got very upset and sometimes cried. Viewers didn’t feel sympathy; they felt embarrassed. The problem was solved by making Fozzie an optimist so that even when he got heckled he was good-natured about it. It’s often thought that he was named after Frank Oz, who was his puppeteer, but Frank said it’s just a variant of “fuzzy bear.” Yet another story says he was named for his builder, Faz Fazakas. Wocka wocka!!"
More Muppets Stories

My Buddy's Back

2009-01-08T13:59:00.000-08:00

I forgot how much I love riding this! I picked him (yes it is a him) up from the doctor today and all is well.

Uncovered Variety

2009-01-08T11:22:00.000-08:00

_ Hide your Jungle Janes. Is there a SVU for inflatables? Would that be SBU (Special Baloon Unit?) A blow-up doll sex bandit "has been taking the dolls out the back and blowing them up and using the dolls and leaving them in the alley."

_ The way it should be! It's called separation of church and state. Clergy members are refusing to sign marriage licenses for any couple until they are able to sign the document for any couple, gay or straight. The Rev. Pam Shepherd came up with the idea after realizing she was inadvertently contributing to discrimination against gay and lesbian couples.

_ Bushed! Where we stand as "he's about to dash out the door." And I thought my bank account was bleak.

_ Yikes! I saw that horrible SCI-FI movie about a supervolcano, is this the beginning? Hundreds of earthquakes rippled through Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming, in late December and early January, prompting fears that the shaking might trigger dangerous steam explosions.

_ How come I didn't look like this when I was a swimmer?

sick

2009-01-08T10:32:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for the past week (and still don't feel 100%.) So I apologize for the lack of posts. I'm happy to see that there are 30+ of you out there that are reading regularly...yay! My New Year goal is to post at least once a day and hopefully much more.

More TV...True Beauty

2009-01-05T21:03:00.001-08:00

Yes I love TV. I'm not ashamed.

Thankfully the suckfest that is Supersuckstars of Dance sucked so much (it was like watching a one legged tranny play Dance Dance Revolution...that ain't good) that we decided to tune in to anything else, which happened to be the Blech-elor (Chris' idea...the guy is hot but the girls...ugh.) I refuse to watch the Bachelor so I played WOW (shut up) until it was over. The "real reason" we watched it was because it was the lead in show for the new True Beauty.

True Beauty is a Tyra Banks/Ashton Kucher production that puts these really obnoxious "beautiful" people together so they can cute battle each other to the top. The twist is that there are all these hidden cameras to catch their "true beauty," like opening other contestant files when no one is around or helping a guy open the door when his hands are full.

Genius.

There is nothing better than tossing a group of self absorbed, narcissistic, egotistic, conceited, self-centered assholes into a house and having them fight it out. During the course of the episode the contestants are told in one fashion or another that they are not all that. Tonight they were measured for the scientific definition of beauty (you know symmetry and all that) which inevitably leads to a beautiful meltdown. In the end as they kick one of these idiots out, they show the loser clips of their assholiness throughout the show. Awesome. This also leads to a bit of nasty bitchiness, also awesome.

Also funny, watching the joy on Vanessa Minnillo's face (one of the hosts) as she tells them that true beauty comes from within, i.e. "You're ugly bitch, get out!" Ha!

We'll be catching this again.

We give it an "Easter Chocolate Bunny...hollow on the inside and oh so yummy on the out."

"Superstars" of Dance

2009-01-04T20:04:00.000-08:00

I suppose you could call this "live blogging" cause I am writing this as I watch. I haven't completely written this show off, not completely but close. I'll give it at least one more episode, maybe two. The Superstars of Dance is a great premise and I had high hopes for the show.

I love the Shooby Dooby Dooby Dance i.e. So You Think You Can Dance and I thought oooh this could be fun. (BTW does anyone else think that the theme to that show says, "Shooby Dooby Dooby Dance" and not "So You Think You Can Dance?")

Anyway...so I thought that this could be a kick ass dance show highlighting great dance of the world. I am a bit let down, this show is not Shooby Dooby and I think it is a half assed attempt.

Here is what is wrong:

1. Letting the judges say the score in their native language. Half the time it sounds like they are choking or saying "bad eight" or "not nine," which is just confusing.

2. African dances. Bitches get with it. You are from AFRICA, not Detroit, AFRICA! Represent, damn. I've been to Africa and I must say the kids that greeted us off the bus danced better. Come on, you have history and culture and beat and rhythm, don't dress like miners and beat garbage cans. If I wanted to see that I would go to Stomp. They should have busted out some grand tribal dance with feathers and war paint...not headlamps! You. Are. From. AFRICA!

3. Indian dances. Come on! You are from INDIA! Do your fancy sari, bindi, hand cymbals, India dance shit right. Did you just find out you were coming to a dance competition? They weren't even together.

4. The dancers. Half these dancers wouldn't make it through the first round of Shooby Dooby. More often than not they are flailing around on the ground...and not in the good interpretive dance, weeping willow, broken shoulder sort of way.

5. Coaches. Skip the coaching and buy a choreographer.

5a. The dances suck. I'm no expert but come on Shooby Dooby can light some fire on a tango so can you. Show me something fast and exciting. Toss that bitch around, do a flip, anything, please.

5b. Spinning in circles is not dancing, it is spinning in circles. My nieces love to do that and I am doing it right now, doesn't make me a dancer.

6. No critique. Ok, until this moment I have always said I kind of hate the judges because of their snarky comments and unhelpful criticism. I think now I miss it. Competition shows need judges with personality, I miss Mary's scream and hot tamale train nonsense, Simon's nasty looks and man boobs, and Paula's intoxicated rambles.

7. For the love of God do not mention Fred Astaire again. We get it, he was good, but he was born in 1899, yes thats right EIGHTEEN HUNDRED (sure the late 1800's but still) and he died in 1987. No wonder this show might suck, according to Superstars there hasn't been good dancing in at the very least 22 years.

8. Michael Flatley. His name says it all, FLAT. So you use a teleprompter, try to make it look like you aren't reading it.

Here is what is right:

1. Pasha and Anya...and Pasha (swoon) from Shooby Dooby.

2. The weird pop-locker from Shooby Dooby.

3. The Shaolin monks from China and especially those little monklettes (the little ones that kicked ass.) Who doesn't like a flippy monk...this is why I like Mortal Kombat. And the one crazy monk balanced on spears! They weren't the best dancers, but they were exciting and did flips. Hey Africa, this is what you should have done except with the feathers and furs and war paint and tribal dancing....not garbage cans from Home Depot.

4. Topless boys.

5. Pasha (he gets his own number too.)

We will see if tomorrow night gets any better.

I give it "A One Legged Tranny Playing Dance Dance Revolution"...not good.

Oh Wyoming part 2

2008-12-28T22:36:00.000-08:00

I'm at the grocery store in the liquor storish section (cause really what is there to do in Wyoming but drink) and in front of me, buying some Keystone (ick,) is this kid in a HS letter jacket. I failed to see the year, but displayed proudly on his back, "Wrestling manager."

The check out lady (with frosted tips, a perm AND a Santa hat...the trifecta) says, "You boys getting your drink on tonight?"

The wrestling manager says all sheepishly, "Yeah, but I ain't gettin drunk 'cause I did that once and I don't wanna do it again."

Then they walk out of the store with their Keystone.

Now maybe I am getting old and maybe I'm a little jealous for all the years of non-underage bar drinking my babyface screwed me out of, but I think that if you have a letter jacket on you should be carded. It should be a rule, right next to the "if you are born before this day" calendar....I'm just sayin'.

Oh Wyoming part 1

2008-12-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

Seen during last minute Christmas shopping (at Pamida):
11 people with bad frosted tips
4 camo outfits (on people not the rack)
7 busy bad perms
3 people wearing antlers (oh how cute)
18 people wearing Santa hats (even my dad, who doesn't notice or care much about anything said,

"Wow sure are a lot of Santa hats, eh?"
1 out of town gay (beside me...you can just tell)
And a partidge in a pear tree.

Wind farm

2008-12-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas

2008-12-23T10:54:00.001-08:00

I'm 30 minutes from hitting the road for Wyoming. Trying to get out before the snow flies. Have a Merry Christmas all!

Is it wrong...

2008-12-22T17:52:00.001-08:00

that male mannequins turn me on a little. Seen during last minute Christmas torture.

Overheard...

2008-12-22T14:11:00.000-08:00

...in the toy aisle at Target. Feel free to act it out with your friends.

Redneck Mom: Oh no they're out of Barbies, what are we going to do.
Redneck Dad: Get her that one.
(points to the African American Barbie)
Redneck Mom: (in a loud side whisper) We can't get her THAT one (looks around) its blaaaaack.
Redneck Dad: Well what do we do?
Redneck Mom: Let's just tell her its a "Real Tan Barbie."

***WTF! Really?!? Like it would be a bad thing to own an African American Barbie. Fucking racists, I wanted to kick them both in the shins. Merry KKKristmas...dickheads.

Mitras Party....whew

2008-12-22T13:27:00.000-08:00

I just finished with the annual ~~Christmas~~ Mithras party that I throw for my volunteers and I am officially spent. On a normal "volunteer Monday" they run my ass off getting them hotter water, turning the heater on, different tea, more creamer, etc. (you see the oldest volunteer is 92 and the youngest is 70 something), add the party to it and I want to pull my hair out.

If I didn't have enough to do, the guy that was to pick up the food is "sick" AND has the company credit card. SO since he is "sick" I had to run to the store and use my boss' card to buy the $400 worth of party trays (which BTW don't fit in a single cart but 3...how the fuck do they expect me to navigate through the store with THREE carts!) At the checkout, as luck would have it, the ONLY time in my life that the grocery store has asked for identification is TODAY!

I hand my ID, "Ummm the card's not mine. It's my boss' and I am just here to pick up the trays."

"Well, this won't do. I need a manager over-ride," says the none to helpful and nasty checkout bitch. *** Side note: Who the hell says, "This won't do." ***

And I hear the collective groan from the 12 people behind me. I'm certain they all are thinking something along the lines of, "He has 3 carts AND he stole someones ID."

So Mr. Manager shows up and I explain loudly (cause I am not a criminal you nosey checkout line bitches!) "I'm picking up trays and the card is my boss'. Trust me," I say, "if I were to steal someones identity I WOULD NOT be buying $400 worth of fucking party trays." I actually didn't say fucking but I thought it.

After he looked me up and down, he allowed it and I was off and back and off and back and off and back...because you have to make 3 trips with THREE carts full of roll sandwiches and vegetables!

Anyway, the party was a hit. I almost teared up as watched my 92 year old volunteer eat and socialize. I have watched her slow down over the years and especially this last year she has really started to fade away. This could be her last Christmas and that really saddens me. She gave me a nice pen set and a big hug as she hobbled (with her walker) out the door.

Now that I have gotten all that out of my system, the party was a who's who of fantastic Christmas sweaters. This one made an appearance.

This one I found online and the caption made me honestly laugh out loud.

"WTF? She looks like a Christmas suicide bomber. How does she stand up straight with all that shit on there?" Ha ha "Christmas suicide bomber" funny.

And thank the sweet Lord that this did not make an appearance. Rudolph would have had a much, much longer nose.

Synchornized Dancing! Woot!

2008-12-21T09:03:00.000-08:00

My House Next Christmas

2008-12-19T06:51:00.000-08:00

Think Chris will mind?

Only a gay would have a dance mix of Amazing Grace...it's a little awesome and a bit horrible.